Hey friends,
I bought a new swim suit the other day in preparation of my two beach trips coming up this summer... I know, I know. The dreaded swim suit season.
I cannot speak for men, but for women this is a time that awaits as soon as the previous season ends. It lurks in the darkness, ready to attack-- especially at the beginning of January after all of the holiday food goodness.
We chastise ourselves for eating that second piece of pumpkin pie, that cookie after 8:00pm, or that third glass of wine. And then it is March. And then April. And finally it is May and we really have to start thinking about vacations, and so we dig out the old faithful. That swim suit that you have had since... well forever because you don't want to shop for a new one. But to your dismay it is over stretched and there are a few holes in it, so you are forced to look for a new one.
Who made up swim suit sizes anyway? They're not like jeans or dresses, and why do they show so much skin? That one looks like half of your undergarments! You need a medium in bottoms and a large on the top-- so whole pieces are tricky; you fill out the bottom just fine, but why is there all of this extra space on top? You've never been so aware of how small (or large) your breasts are until this very moment standing in that dressing room. You're either popping out, or you can't fill the extra space. So you try on another suit. This one makes you feel just as insecure as the last one.
As I went through this process the other day, with nine different swim suits, I found one I liked, but then I wondered if other people would think it looked okay, or if they would judge me or make fun of me while I was reading on the beach. And then it hit me-- I cannot remember what one person was wearing when I was at the beach last year.
Let me tell you something my sweet friends, when you are laying in that sand, people couldn't care less what you look like. Why would they? There is an entire ocean in front of them!
I don't even remember the color of someone's suit let alone what they looked like in it. But what I do remember is the sun warming my bare shoulders, the waves kissing my toes, and the sand sticking to every single thing I had with me!
So my dear ones, buy that new suit! Find one that you like and wear it proud! If you want a bikini, tankini, or whole piece, get one! If you feel comfortable in it, go for it.
Society tells us rhat we have to look like a Victoria's Secret model that has been airbrushed and photo shopped so much that she can't even recognize herself on the bilboard in front of her. Society tells us that a "plus sized," ahem, average woman cannot wear a bikini. But she can. YOU can.
How you look in a swim suit, or a dress, or a pair of skinny jeans is NOT a prerequisite for your beauty or worth.
There are not prerequisites for your beauty or worth-- you were created by a divine Creator who gives you worth just because He made you, and sees you as more beautiful than you could ever imagine. So much more than what you look like in some stupid piece of polyester and spandex.
So when you start to feel insecure in the dressing room trying on swim suit number 15, try to remember what the stranger next to you on the beach last year looked like, and when you can't, go ahead and buy that suit! Find your worth in Christ and your beautiful spirit will radiate from within you!
Monday, May 23, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Listen to those little whispers. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Despite my inability to change chords smoothly I looked up a tutorial for "Holy Spirit" by Francesca Battistelli (or Jesus Culture if you know that version). We sang this song in church this morning and I really want to be able to play it... to my dismay there were some chords that I do not know yet that are too complicated for me right now, and I am still kind of trying to get the hold of different strumming patterns.
I kept looking for an easier version that maybe I could just start to play-- I stumbled across a little girl, maybe eight or nine, playing the song on her ukulele. I clicked on the link hoping that it would be a little easier because she was younger. I was never so wrong in my life; turns out this little girl was really skilled at ukulele, piano, and drums and has been for a while.
That's when the lies started to creep in... I started to wonder, "Why can't I be naturally gifted at playing instruments?" "Why am I trying to even learn, I can't read music anyway." "You're never going to be that good. You wasted your money." "You can't do anything that well."
Those lies circled around in my head for a few minutes, and then I heard that still small voice whisper to my heart. I heard my Abba tell me that I need not to compare myself to others. Especially not their highlight wheels to my behind the scenes-- that little girl has been playing since she was five or six. I have been playing for two weeks. Yes, she may be more gifted than I will ever be in music, but I will get better than I am right now. I closed Youtube on my phone and ran through Twinkle Twinkle Little Star several more times and Amazing Grace once or twice until my finger tips were sore. I'm not exactly the gifted type, but I do have persistence and determination.
I may not have been created to play uke as well as that little girl or to have the same complexion as someone else. I have been created to be me. I may not be naturally gifted in music, academics, singing, sports, or any number of other things, but I have been created by the Father and let me tell you something about my Abba-- He loves me deeply. And He did not mistakenly create me. There is a call on my life and I have purpose in this world.
I have been created with resilience and persistence. With determination and empathy. I have been purposed to encourage, to love, and to speak Truth. And there is a deep call on my life to love the Lord, to worship Him, and to share Him. To be ever seeking to be more and more like Him. I am called to be His child.
These last few days have been hard and there have been some tears shed because I was in a vulnerable state and the enemy saw my hurting heart and took advantage of that with everything that he has. I was too broken to fight back, but I kept asking the Lord to let me lean into His comfort and that His arms would wrap around me. I had a wonderful woman of God pouring love and truth over my heart at the time, but I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't have what it took to stand back up in those hard places, and my mind was being flood with memories from my childhood when I was in those same hurting places. My gram once told me to wrap my arms around myself and give myself a hug when I was hurting and imagine that she was hugging me (I went through a sticky divorce where I wasn't allowed to talk to or see the other side of the family for a week until I switched houses). I would do this very often as a child. And I have found myself doing it again now. As I did this the other day I felt a comfort that the Lord was holding me close and I was hugging Him back.
I say all of this because what I was feeling was a product of comparing myself to other people and it broke me down. Comparison is the thief of joy; the enemy quickly sweeps in and grabs a foothold in your self-doubt. But the Father wants you to come to Him; even when you are hurting too much from those comparisons you have spoken over your life or someone else has spoken over you, He wants to love and comfort you. He wants whisper those truths to your weary heart (literally or He may use other people to tell you those truths).
I am not those lies the enemy was shouting at me left and right, but I am those small whispers of truths... I am worth more than earthly things. I can find joy. I fit in just fine, I am so very LOVED, I am not isolated, but connected, I am a leader. And the tears will stop.
When I stopped looking at my comparison wheel and the scarcity that is there, I was able to hear those precious, precious words from the Father. I was able to get out of bed and dust myself off. I pushed through the times I felt the tears starting to well up again throughout the day. I had a late lunch/ early dinner with one of my best friends-- that is probably the thing that I needed the most (physically) that day. Solid conversation with a solid woman of God who is also such a solid friend.
Let me speak some truth over you right now my sweet, sweet friend. You are so very loved. SO LOVED. And there is nothing that you can do that will ever change how loved you are. There is a call on your life and you are purposed. You are connected. And there are always open arms waiting for you to run into them. You are not those lies screaming in your head, but listen to those little whispers. Don't compare yourself; you were created uniquely you and there is no one else that you should be. Sending my love!
Saturday, April 2, 2016
An open letter to my [used to be] step mom and the family that fell apart.
Hey you,
It's been a while...
There was a time when we were closer, when we used to make memories together-- when we used to be family. There was a very long stretch of time when we were apart of each others lives.
There are memories that you are a part of and they aren't much of a memory if I take you out of it. There would be a big gaping hole in the memory (or no memory at all) if I did that. We had so much history together.
10 years worth of memories-- good and bad, but that is what it is like with family. I always thought that is what we used to be, anyway.
I used to think about my future when I was a little girl. I always had a discord between who was going to do the things that a mother does on my wedding day. I felt so torn because my mom was my mom, but you were just as much as a mom to me, but I guess this doesn't matter anymore. I imagined that the girls would be my bridesmaids-- I always tried to understand the bond you have with your sisters with them, but I felt like an outsider a lot of the time. It wasn't their fault, it's just how it was. It's hard to take two families and make them into one without there being some kind of disconnection.
But we were a family none the less-- dysfunctional and awkward at times, but we share laughter and tears together. We share pain and joy together. Memories that cannot be forgotten. There are things that I can't look at without thinking of you. And there are still things that you bought me-- I thought about this a lot when I was making my coffee this morning. You bought me that Keurig several years ago as a surprise for no apparent reason. Just because I kept asking for months on months...
I don't have these moments of sweet, painful nostalgia often, but every now and again they pierce me right through the heart and it hits me. It hits me time and time again. We will most likely never have a relationship, of any kind, ever again.
I wonder if you ever experience and feel the same thing?
There are times that I question why you just walked away-- there was no reason; no closure. I tried to keep the relationship strong, but there is only so much someone can do. I go through phases of anger, but my heart is filled with mostly hurt. I thought of you as a mother figure since I was 7 years old, and I still do sometimes. There are times that I still refer to you as a step mother, and the question of how many siblings I have is something that I will never be able to answer without thinking about it more than once-- do I say 2 or do I say 4? 2. I say 2. The pain seers through me like a razor cuts through paper-- clean through and precise.
And when I really think about it-- it wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It just was. It just is. Things happen and people leave. That's just what we do-- sometimes it is intentional and other times it just happens, slowly and quietly-- you are standing in the middle of a firm, strong, bridge one minute and the next thing you notice is that you are on opposite sides looking at the rubble and the remaining hot ashes wondering what happened. Wondering how we got to a place where we pretend that we don't know each other.
I'm sorry we drifted apart, but remember that I will always love you.
It's been a while...
There was a time when we were closer, when we used to make memories together-- when we used to be family. There was a very long stretch of time when we were apart of each others lives.
There are memories that you are a part of and they aren't much of a memory if I take you out of it. There would be a big gaping hole in the memory (or no memory at all) if I did that. We had so much history together.
10 years worth of memories-- good and bad, but that is what it is like with family. I always thought that is what we used to be, anyway.
I used to think about my future when I was a little girl. I always had a discord between who was going to do the things that a mother does on my wedding day. I felt so torn because my mom was my mom, but you were just as much as a mom to me, but I guess this doesn't matter anymore. I imagined that the girls would be my bridesmaids-- I always tried to understand the bond you have with your sisters with them, but I felt like an outsider a lot of the time. It wasn't their fault, it's just how it was. It's hard to take two families and make them into one without there being some kind of disconnection.
But we were a family none the less-- dysfunctional and awkward at times, but we share laughter and tears together. We share pain and joy together. Memories that cannot be forgotten. There are things that I can't look at without thinking of you. And there are still things that you bought me-- I thought about this a lot when I was making my coffee this morning. You bought me that Keurig several years ago as a surprise for no apparent reason. Just because I kept asking for months on months...
I don't have these moments of sweet, painful nostalgia often, but every now and again they pierce me right through the heart and it hits me. It hits me time and time again. We will most likely never have a relationship, of any kind, ever again.
I wonder if you ever experience and feel the same thing?
There are times that I question why you just walked away-- there was no reason; no closure. I tried to keep the relationship strong, but there is only so much someone can do. I go through phases of anger, but my heart is filled with mostly hurt. I thought of you as a mother figure since I was 7 years old, and I still do sometimes. There are times that I still refer to you as a step mother, and the question of how many siblings I have is something that I will never be able to answer without thinking about it more than once-- do I say 2 or do I say 4? 2. I say 2. The pain seers through me like a razor cuts through paper-- clean through and precise.
And when I really think about it-- it wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It just was. It just is. Things happen and people leave. That's just what we do-- sometimes it is intentional and other times it just happens, slowly and quietly-- you are standing in the middle of a firm, strong, bridge one minute and the next thing you notice is that you are on opposite sides looking at the rubble and the remaining hot ashes wondering what happened. Wondering how we got to a place where we pretend that we don't know each other.
I'm sorry we drifted apart, but remember that I will always love you.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Let the Love flow. There is a revival here. And the need is now.
Hey friends.
So it has been a little while, but here are some things that have been going on in my life.
Before I jump into it, I just want to explain that I am of the charismatic Christian faith. I am all about laying hands on people to pray for them, hand raising during worship, altar calls, shaking because the Holy Spirit is just moving through you so much, tears, prophecies, and the Spirit moving through people in the gift of speaking in tongues (see 1 Corinthians for more about speaking in tongues and spiritual gifts). All of this is important to know before I jump in because without this background you may think I am crazy (you still might, but I am okay with being "crazy" if that means the Holy Spirit is working through and in me!!).
Now that we have established a starting ground let me tell you have God has been WRECKING MY HEART.
First, my church here. Mmmh, my church. Let's talk about Sunday. This past Sunday the Holy Spirit moved in me so much that I was shaking. I was shaking because I could just feel the Spirit moving through me so much that it overwhelmed my soul. The Spirit hit me in a way like never before. And let me just say this: I am SO READY for the Spirit to move through me so strongly on a regular basis. Holy Spirit come, work in my heart and guide my steps.
I also got to witness the Spirit moving through my pastor and using him to speak to the weary souls of some of my friends with me. I got to hear the Spirit speaking to the depths of their hearts and saying exactly what they needed in that moment. His banner over me is love-- His banner over you is love. <3
Second, can I just tell you about tonight? Tonight my college held an event called Carry the Love: The Need is Now (see more at carrythelove.com , or CRmovement.com ). And the need is DEFINITELY now! There was a point where they had the prayer team go around and pray over those who wanted some prayer. I had two ladies pray over me. The prayer was used to almost set the tone and soften me a little bit. But the second lady who prayed over me. Allison, the Holy Spirit was REALLY moving through her. God was really speaking through her. Jesus used her to wreck my heart. She hit so many things on the head that I am left speechless and wondering what all exactly happened. The Spirit used her to speak into some of the deepest wounds of my heart. And to encourage and pour into me. And to affirm me. The Spirit used her so much and so deeply. There is a lot that I am still processing from Carry the Love, but I can tell you this: I am going to go to their second event tomorrow night (Wednesday).
Friends, there is a revival happening. Can you feel it? Can't you feel the need now more than ever? The need for a love that is greater and deeper and wider than any other love that we have ever known. The need for a Savior who is with us-- who has always been with us. The need to run to a Father that loves you and is willing to hold you in His arms. There is a deep need right now. And there is a revival about to happen and I don't think that we are ready for it. There is a revival; a renewing; a healing.
For me that looks like a revival in my church and on my campus. A revival and healing in my life. I don't know what that looks like for you, but I encourage you to find what that revival/ what that healing looks like for you.
I am praying for you all! XOXOX
So it has been a little while, but here are some things that have been going on in my life.
Before I jump into it, I just want to explain that I am of the charismatic Christian faith. I am all about laying hands on people to pray for them, hand raising during worship, altar calls, shaking because the Holy Spirit is just moving through you so much, tears, prophecies, and the Spirit moving through people in the gift of speaking in tongues (see 1 Corinthians for more about speaking in tongues and spiritual gifts). All of this is important to know before I jump in because without this background you may think I am crazy (you still might, but I am okay with being "crazy" if that means the Holy Spirit is working through and in me!!).
Now that we have established a starting ground let me tell you have God has been WRECKING MY HEART.
First, my church here. Mmmh, my church. Let's talk about Sunday. This past Sunday the Holy Spirit moved in me so much that I was shaking. I was shaking because I could just feel the Spirit moving through me so much that it overwhelmed my soul. The Spirit hit me in a way like never before. And let me just say this: I am SO READY for the Spirit to move through me so strongly on a regular basis. Holy Spirit come, work in my heart and guide my steps.
I also got to witness the Spirit moving through my pastor and using him to speak to the weary souls of some of my friends with me. I got to hear the Spirit speaking to the depths of their hearts and saying exactly what they needed in that moment. His banner over me is love-- His banner over you is love. <3
Second, can I just tell you about tonight? Tonight my college held an event called Carry the Love: The Need is Now (see more at carrythelove.com , or CRmovement.com ). And the need is DEFINITELY now! There was a point where they had the prayer team go around and pray over those who wanted some prayer. I had two ladies pray over me. The prayer was used to almost set the tone and soften me a little bit. But the second lady who prayed over me. Allison, the Holy Spirit was REALLY moving through her. God was really speaking through her. Jesus used her to wreck my heart. She hit so many things on the head that I am left speechless and wondering what all exactly happened. The Spirit used her to speak into some of the deepest wounds of my heart. And to encourage and pour into me. And to affirm me. The Spirit used her so much and so deeply. There is a lot that I am still processing from Carry the Love, but I can tell you this: I am going to go to their second event tomorrow night (Wednesday).
Friends, there is a revival happening. Can you feel it? Can't you feel the need now more than ever? The need for a love that is greater and deeper and wider than any other love that we have ever known. The need for a Savior who is with us-- who has always been with us. The need to run to a Father that loves you and is willing to hold you in His arms. There is a deep need right now. And there is a revival about to happen and I don't think that we are ready for it. There is a revival; a renewing; a healing.
For me that looks like a revival in my church and on my campus. A revival and healing in my life. I don't know what that looks like for you, but I encourage you to find what that revival/ what that healing looks like for you.
I am praying for you all! XOXOX
Monday, January 25, 2016
Women, respect each other.
Hi friends,
Thoughts. So many thoughts.
I have a lot of things going through my brain right now, but let's focus on one thing: how we talk to friends.
I hear so many people refer to their friend group as "my main b******." Or "those mofos."
And I just want to ask one question-- why?
Why would you refer to your friends with a derogatory term? And friends, why would you want to be refereed to as said term?
I find it incredibly degrading when I hear someone calling their best friend their "main hoe," or anything of the like. My best friends are people that I care about, people that I love and want to spend time with. People that I have built a friendship with. And that friendship is something that I value a lot. I would NEVER call them something that is known to be used in "cat fights" with those you dislike. My friends should never be called names that are synonymous with those whom I don't like (I don't normally refer to those I don't like with those terms let alone my best friends).
Why? Just why has this become a fad? And more importantly why did it stick?
Your friends are those who are there for you. Those who will wade into the deep for you. Those who run towards the fire while everyone else runs away. They are other human beings that crossed your path and stuck around for a little while. They are the ones that you offer your favorite food to. The ones who can call you at any time of the night. The ones who know that the only word that should be spoken to you in the morning is "coffee."
They are NOT your b*tches. They are NOT you hoes. They are NOT mofos.
All of those words are and should be offensive (I'm not lecturing you on not swearing, that is a whole different conversation in itself). I am saying that we need to respect our friends.
I hear mostly women say those things to other women. And let me ask you this-- when did it become okay to call each other that, when we have fought so hard so that men did not call us that? We are essentially reverting to when it was okay to call women those derogatory names. And why? Don't you know the definitions of those words? And if you do, are your friends that way? I didn't think so...
So my question to you is why?
Why are we calling our wonderful friends who are loved and cared about those names? And why do we accept being called those names?
Why?
Just offering you some food for thought.
Xoxox
Thoughts. So many thoughts.
I have a lot of things going through my brain right now, but let's focus on one thing: how we talk to friends.
I hear so many people refer to their friend group as "my main b******." Or "those mofos."
And I just want to ask one question-- why?
Why would you refer to your friends with a derogatory term? And friends, why would you want to be refereed to as said term?
I find it incredibly degrading when I hear someone calling their best friend their "main hoe," or anything of the like. My best friends are people that I care about, people that I love and want to spend time with. People that I have built a friendship with. And that friendship is something that I value a lot. I would NEVER call them something that is known to be used in "cat fights" with those you dislike. My friends should never be called names that are synonymous with those whom I don't like (I don't normally refer to those I don't like with those terms let alone my best friends).
Why? Just why has this become a fad? And more importantly why did it stick?
Your friends are those who are there for you. Those who will wade into the deep for you. Those who run towards the fire while everyone else runs away. They are other human beings that crossed your path and stuck around for a little while. They are the ones that you offer your favorite food to. The ones who can call you at any time of the night. The ones who know that the only word that should be spoken to you in the morning is "coffee."
They are NOT your b*tches. They are NOT you hoes. They are NOT mofos.
All of those words are and should be offensive (I'm not lecturing you on not swearing, that is a whole different conversation in itself). I am saying that we need to respect our friends.
I hear mostly women say those things to other women. And let me ask you this-- when did it become okay to call each other that, when we have fought so hard so that men did not call us that? We are essentially reverting to when it was okay to call women those derogatory names. And why? Don't you know the definitions of those words? And if you do, are your friends that way? I didn't think so...
So my question to you is why?
Why are we calling our wonderful friends who are loved and cared about those names? And why do we accept being called those names?
Why?
Just offering you some food for thought.
Xoxox
Sunday, January 10, 2016
As you lead me deeper still.
Hey friends!
I know it's been a little while, but I wanted to share!
Most of you who know me know that I just got done with a very challenging semester. This past semester was challenging for an array of reasons, but it wasn't a bad semester, just hard.
It was hard because God was taking me, chiseling away my rough edges-- He is still in the process of ripping out my heart and replacing it with a Jesus shaped heart. This process is not finished yet, but I am in the process. I am one step closer than I was a semester ago, a week ago, a day ago. I can say this now because I am not in the middle of the ripping and chiseling-- I unfortunately get caught up in the middle during this process and I can lose sight and forget my blessings (He is also working on this with me).
Last night we had a worship service and while I was sitting with my building team, we were speaking about what the Lord has been showing us and how He has been working in our lives. When we were about to enter into prayer together the music in the background changed to "Oceans" by Hillsong United. I have always loved the song and I have always deeply felt the pull to ask the Lord to lead me where my trust is without borders (I have mentioned this is a previous post, click here to view it).
And then it hit me.
When I had received the RA position I was excited and I prayed to let Him use me for His glory and to let the Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders in my RA journey (and really just in my life in general)-- and that is the EXACT place that I was in last semester. Last semester was definitely something that was out of my comfort zone in so many ways. I was in classes that were hard and there were some things that I couldn't plan for, couldn't expect, couldn't be ready with the best fit plan.
The Holy Spirit led me where my trust was without borders. Sometimes I was wading in the discomfort and other times I was treading water just trying to keep my head above water. And it was good. Not easy, but good. I was pushed. I was pulled. Shoved. I was in those places that left me on my knees and in prayer. I was deeper than I wanted to be. I wanted to go back to the shore at times. I didn't have any of my own strength left and I was tired.
But God showed up.
God showed up. He came beside me and let me rest on His shoulder when I started to drown. He let me find my rest in Him. He was ALWAYS there. He never left me. He never said, "Ehh, I think you can do this by yourself," or "Meh, I know I started this work in you, but I am bored now. See ya." No. He showed up. He stayed with me. Because the God who is with us on the mountain tops is the same God who is with us in the depths of the valley. He never leaves.
So last night when I was sitting in prayer it hit me. This semester I asked to be led where my trust was without borders and into the deep. And that is where I was. He led me into the deep. Where I couldn't even begin to think about the borders of my trust. It hurt. It wasn't pleasant. BUT, it was worth it.
The last Sunday that I was at home, we sang "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin (Listen here). I enjoyed the song. It spoke to my heart in deep places. There are so many good lyrics in the song-- one of my favorite verses is this: "You're a good good Father. It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are. And I am loved by you. It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am."
I am back at school for the new semester (I start classes tomorrow). I went to my "college home" church today. And guess what we sang? Yup, you got it. "Good Good Father." This time around, a week later, the song is even better than what it was when I was at home. It spoke to me on an even deeper level. And that is because of what God revealed to me last night-- how I was led into deep waters where my feet could not wander and my trust is without borders. There is a line in "Good Good Father" that says, "As you lead me deeper still." That line repeats three or four times in a row.
And it clicked.
You lead me deeper still.
He is going to lead me deeper still. And He will continue to be there with me in the deep. He will continue to surround me with His LOVE and His JOY. He will continue to lead me deeper still and that not only means where my trust is without borders. It is not just physically. It is more than doing hard things and embracing vulnerability. He is going to lead me deeper still into His love. Into His grace. His Joy. His presence.
So, Lord, here is to the start of a new semester (and a new way of living), as you lead me deeper still.<3
I know it's been a little while, but I wanted to share!
Most of you who know me know that I just got done with a very challenging semester. This past semester was challenging for an array of reasons, but it wasn't a bad semester, just hard.
It was hard because God was taking me, chiseling away my rough edges-- He is still in the process of ripping out my heart and replacing it with a Jesus shaped heart. This process is not finished yet, but I am in the process. I am one step closer than I was a semester ago, a week ago, a day ago. I can say this now because I am not in the middle of the ripping and chiseling-- I unfortunately get caught up in the middle during this process and I can lose sight and forget my blessings (He is also working on this with me).
Last night we had a worship service and while I was sitting with my building team, we were speaking about what the Lord has been showing us and how He has been working in our lives. When we were about to enter into prayer together the music in the background changed to "Oceans" by Hillsong United. I have always loved the song and I have always deeply felt the pull to ask the Lord to lead me where my trust is without borders (I have mentioned this is a previous post, click here to view it).
And then it hit me.
When I had received the RA position I was excited and I prayed to let Him use me for His glory and to let the Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders in my RA journey (and really just in my life in general)-- and that is the EXACT place that I was in last semester. Last semester was definitely something that was out of my comfort zone in so many ways. I was in classes that were hard and there were some things that I couldn't plan for, couldn't expect, couldn't be ready with the best fit plan.
The Holy Spirit led me where my trust was without borders. Sometimes I was wading in the discomfort and other times I was treading water just trying to keep my head above water. And it was good. Not easy, but good. I was pushed. I was pulled. Shoved. I was in those places that left me on my knees and in prayer. I was deeper than I wanted to be. I wanted to go back to the shore at times. I didn't have any of my own strength left and I was tired.
But God showed up.
God showed up. He came beside me and let me rest on His shoulder when I started to drown. He let me find my rest in Him. He was ALWAYS there. He never left me. He never said, "Ehh, I think you can do this by yourself," or "Meh, I know I started this work in you, but I am bored now. See ya." No. He showed up. He stayed with me. Because the God who is with us on the mountain tops is the same God who is with us in the depths of the valley. He never leaves.
So last night when I was sitting in prayer it hit me. This semester I asked to be led where my trust was without borders and into the deep. And that is where I was. He led me into the deep. Where I couldn't even begin to think about the borders of my trust. It hurt. It wasn't pleasant. BUT, it was worth it.
The last Sunday that I was at home, we sang "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin (Listen here). I enjoyed the song. It spoke to my heart in deep places. There are so many good lyrics in the song-- one of my favorite verses is this: "You're a good good Father. It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are. And I am loved by you. It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am."
I am back at school for the new semester (I start classes tomorrow). I went to my "college home" church today. And guess what we sang? Yup, you got it. "Good Good Father." This time around, a week later, the song is even better than what it was when I was at home. It spoke to me on an even deeper level. And that is because of what God revealed to me last night-- how I was led into deep waters where my feet could not wander and my trust is without borders. There is a line in "Good Good Father" that says, "As you lead me deeper still." That line repeats three or four times in a row.
And it clicked.
You lead me deeper still.
He is going to lead me deeper still. And He will continue to be there with me in the deep. He will continue to surround me with His LOVE and His JOY. He will continue to lead me deeper still and that not only means where my trust is without borders. It is not just physically. It is more than doing hard things and embracing vulnerability. He is going to lead me deeper still into His love. Into His grace. His Joy. His presence.
So, Lord, here is to the start of a new semester (and a new way of living), as you lead me deeper still.<3
Monday, December 14, 2015
Feeling joy in the midst of brokenness.
Hi friends!!
I know that it has been a long time, but this semester has been KICKING my butt! I felt like it would never end, but this is finals week. I am almost done!
AND I feel like I ended the semester REALLY well! I have finally found my "home church" here at college--- it took me 3 years, BUT I FOUND IT. And it was worth the wait.
This church has been an answer to so many of my prayers-- and the Pastors are fantastic. They are husband and wife and I think they are some of the most welcoming people that I have ever met. They just make you feel welcome and loved as soon as you step through the door, and I loved that. And really, the whole entire congregation is this way.
I have been there 3 times so far, but I already feel like I have been there for months. It has been something that has been very encouraging to me!! It has reignited my fire for God-- I feel like I am burning the strongest I have been for a long time.
And the best part? I am feeling joy. I can't tell you the last time that I have felt joy, or if I have ever felt joy before. But I can feel the joy now and there have been countless times over the past few weeks that I can't help but to smile. Not only for myself, but for other as well. I have caught myself smiling from ear to ear when I overhear parts of conversations or watch someone do something that makes me smile.
I know that this is different than just being happy. Than just going through the period when I am happy because things seem to be "lining up" for me. I know this because in reality, I don't think that things are lined up for me right now at all--- my fridge broke, my car had a cylinder misfire, and I have finals this week among other things, but I am happy. Joyful.
My car is broken, my fridge needs to be thrown in the dumpster, I have been overwhelmed with a lot of things happening, and I am not sure that I can physically get all of this work done this week, but guess what? I feel like my cup is overflowing with blessings.
Yeah, my car broke, but it will still get me home for break, and I have had many people at my new church offer to help me in any way that they can and made me feel so loved and so blessed. Praise Jesus.
Sure, my fridge broke, but my Keurig still works and I still have coffee, and in the big scheme of things-- I can just get a new one. Praise Jesus.
I am absolutely feeling overwhelmed, but I am being pruned and prepared and polished to do what He has called me to do. Praise Jesus.
Finals are in full swing (and have been since last week), but I have been shown so much grace from my professors and I will manage to get it all done. Praise Jesus.
I am not entirely excited to go home to family for various reasons, but I have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. Praise Jesus.
It is December and there is normally snow on the ground and I hate winter, but the weather has been in the 60's this week. Praise Jesus.
It has been a really long, rough, and dry season in my life (several years long), but I finally feel like something is being lifted. And that the winds are finally changing. Finally.
My cup runneth over.
Sending love and JOY your way my dear, dear friends.
XOXOX
Sadie
I know that it has been a long time, but this semester has been KICKING my butt! I felt like it would never end, but this is finals week. I am almost done!
AND I feel like I ended the semester REALLY well! I have finally found my "home church" here at college--- it took me 3 years, BUT I FOUND IT. And it was worth the wait.
This church has been an answer to so many of my prayers-- and the Pastors are fantastic. They are husband and wife and I think they are some of the most welcoming people that I have ever met. They just make you feel welcome and loved as soon as you step through the door, and I loved that. And really, the whole entire congregation is this way.
I have been there 3 times so far, but I already feel like I have been there for months. It has been something that has been very encouraging to me!! It has reignited my fire for God-- I feel like I am burning the strongest I have been for a long time.
And the best part? I am feeling joy. I can't tell you the last time that I have felt joy, or if I have ever felt joy before. But I can feel the joy now and there have been countless times over the past few weeks that I can't help but to smile. Not only for myself, but for other as well. I have caught myself smiling from ear to ear when I overhear parts of conversations or watch someone do something that makes me smile.
I know that this is different than just being happy. Than just going through the period when I am happy because things seem to be "lining up" for me. I know this because in reality, I don't think that things are lined up for me right now at all--- my fridge broke, my car had a cylinder misfire, and I have finals this week among other things, but I am happy. Joyful.
My car is broken, my fridge needs to be thrown in the dumpster, I have been overwhelmed with a lot of things happening, and I am not sure that I can physically get all of this work done this week, but guess what? I feel like my cup is overflowing with blessings.
Yeah, my car broke, but it will still get me home for break, and I have had many people at my new church offer to help me in any way that they can and made me feel so loved and so blessed. Praise Jesus.
Sure, my fridge broke, but my Keurig still works and I still have coffee, and in the big scheme of things-- I can just get a new one. Praise Jesus.
I am absolutely feeling overwhelmed, but I am being pruned and prepared and polished to do what He has called me to do. Praise Jesus.
Finals are in full swing (and have been since last week), but I have been shown so much grace from my professors and I will manage to get it all done. Praise Jesus.
I am not entirely excited to go home to family for various reasons, but I have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. Praise Jesus.
It is December and there is normally snow on the ground and I hate winter, but the weather has been in the 60's this week. Praise Jesus.
It has been a really long, rough, and dry season in my life (several years long), but I finally feel like something is being lifted. And that the winds are finally changing. Finally.
My cup runneth over.
Sending love and JOY your way my dear, dear friends.
XOXOX
Sadie
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