An open letter to my [used to be] step mom and the family that fell apart.

Hey you,

It's been a while...

There was a time when we were closer, when we used to make memories together-- when we used to be family. There was a very long stretch of time when we were apart of each others lives.

There are memories that you are a part of and they aren't much of a memory if I take you out of it. There would be a big gaping hole in the memory (or no memory at all) if I did that. We had so much history together.

10 years worth of memories-- good and bad, but that is what it is like with family. I always thought that is what we used to be, anyway.

I used to think about my future when I was a little girl. I always had a discord between who was going to do the things that a mother does on my wedding day. I felt so torn because my mom was my mom, but you were just as much as a mom to me, but I guess this doesn't matter anymore. I imagined that the girls would be my bridesmaids-- I always tried to understand the bond you have with your sisters with them, but I felt like an outsider a lot of the time. It wasn't their fault, it's just how it was. It's hard to take two families and make them into one without there being some kind of disconnection.

But we were a family none the less-- dysfunctional and awkward at times, but we share laughter and tears together. We share pain and joy together. Memories that cannot be forgotten. There are things that I can't look at without thinking of you. And there are still things that you bought me-- I thought about this a lot when I was making my coffee this morning. You bought me that Keurig several years ago as a surprise for no apparent reason. Just because I kept asking for months on months...

I don't have these moments of sweet, painful nostalgia often, but every now and again they pierce me right through the heart and it hits me. It hits me time and time again. We will most likely never have a relationship, of any kind, ever again.

I wonder if you ever experience and feel the same thing?

There are times that I question why you just walked away-- there was no reason; no closure. I tried to keep the relationship strong, but there is only so much someone can do. I go through phases of anger, but my heart is filled with mostly hurt. I thought of you as a mother figure since I was 7 years old, and I still do sometimes. There are times that I still refer to you as a step mother, and the question of how many siblings I have is something that I will never be able to answer without thinking about it more than once-- do I say 2 or do I say 4? 2. I say 2. The pain seers through me like a razor cuts through paper-- clean through and precise.

And when I really think about it-- it wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It just was. It just is. Things happen and people leave. That's just what we do-- sometimes it is intentional and other times it just happens, slowly and quietly-- you are standing in the middle of a firm, strong, bridge one minute and the next thing you notice is that you are on opposite sides looking at the rubble and the remaining hot ashes wondering what happened. Wondering how we got to a place where we pretend that we don't know each other.

I'm sorry we drifted apart, but remember that I will always love you.

Let the Love flow. There is a revival here. And the need is now.

Hey friends.

So it has been a little while, but here are some things that have been going on in my life.

Before I jump into it, I just want to explain that I am of the charismatic Christian faith. I am all about laying hands on people to pray for them, hand raising during worship, altar calls, shaking because the Holy Spirit is just moving through you so much, tears, prophecies, and the Spirit moving through people in the gift of speaking in tongues (see 1 Corinthians for more about speaking in tongues and spiritual gifts). All of this is important to know before I jump in because without this background you may think I am crazy (you still might, but I am okay with being "crazy" if that means the Holy Spirit is working through and in me!!).

Now that we have established a starting ground let me tell you have God has been WRECKING MY HEART.

First, my church here. Mmmh, my church. Let's talk about Sunday. This past Sunday the Holy Spirit moved in me so much that I was shaking. I was shaking because I could just feel the Spirit moving through me so much that it overwhelmed my soul. The Spirit hit me in a way like never before. And let me just say this: I am SO READY for the Spirit to move through me so strongly on a regular basis. Holy Spirit come, work in my heart and guide my steps.

I also got to witness the Spirit moving through my pastor and using him to speak to the weary souls of some of my friends with me. I got to hear the Spirit speaking to the depths of their hearts and saying exactly what they needed in that moment. His banner over me is love-- His banner over you is love. <3

Second, can I just tell you about tonight? Tonight my college held an event called Carry the Love: The Need is Now (see more at carrythelove.com , or CRmovement.com ). And the need is DEFINITELY now! There was a point where they had the prayer team go around and pray over those who wanted some prayer. I had two ladies pray over me. The prayer was used to almost set the tone and soften me a little bit. But the second lady who prayed over me. Allison, the Holy Spirit was REALLY moving through her. God was really speaking through her. Jesus used her to wreck my heart. She hit so many things on the head that I am left speechless and wondering what all exactly happened. The Spirit used her to speak into some of the deepest wounds of my heart. And to encourage and pour into me. And to affirm me. The Spirit used her so much and so deeply. There is a lot that I am still processing from Carry the Love, but I can tell you this: I am going to go to their second event tomorrow night (Wednesday).

Friends, there is a revival happening. Can you feel it? Can't you feel the need now more than ever? The need for a love that is greater and deeper and wider than any other love that we have ever known. The need for a Savior who is with us-- who has always been with us. The need to run to a Father that loves you and is willing to hold you in His arms. There is a deep need right now. And there is a revival about to happen and I don't think that we are ready for it. There is a revival; a renewing; a healing.

For me that looks like a revival in my church and on my campus. A revival and healing in my life. I don't know what that looks like for you, but I encourage you to find what that revival/ what that healing looks like for you.

I am praying for you all! XOXOX

Women, respect each other.

Hi friends,
Thoughts. So many thoughts.

I have a lot of things going through my brain right now, but let's focus on one thing: how we talk to friends.

I hear so many people refer to their friend group as "my main b******." Or "those mofos."

And I just want to ask one question-- why?

Why would you refer to your friends with a derogatory term? And friends, why would you want to be refereed to as said term?

I find it incredibly degrading when I hear someone calling their best friend their "main hoe," or anything of the like. My best friends are people that I care about, people that I love and want to spend time with. People that I have built a friendship with. And that friendship is something that I value a lot. I would NEVER call them something that is known to be used in "cat fights" with those you dislike. My friends should never be called names that are synonymous with those whom I don't like (I don't normally refer to those I don't like with those terms let alone my best friends).

Why? Just why has this become a fad? And more importantly why did it stick?

Your friends are those who are there for you. Those who will wade into the deep for you. Those who run towards the fire while everyone else runs away. They are other human beings that crossed your path and stuck around for a little while. They are the ones that you offer your favorite food to. The ones who can call you at any time of the night. The ones who know that the only word that should be spoken to you in the morning is "coffee."

They are NOT your b*tches. They are NOT you hoes. They are NOT mofos.

All of those words are and should be offensive (I'm not lecturing you on not swearing, that is a whole different conversation in itself). I am saying that we need to respect our friends.

I hear mostly women say those things to other women. And let me ask you this-- when did it become okay to call each other that, when we have fought so hard so that men did not call us that? We are essentially reverting to when it was okay to call women those derogatory names. And why? Don't you know the definitions of those words? And if you do, are your friends that way? I didn't think so...

So my question to you is why?

Why are we calling our wonderful friends who are loved and cared about those names? And why do we accept being called those names?

Why?

Just offering you some food for thought.

Xoxox

As you lead me deeper still.

Hey friends!

I know it's been a little while, but I wanted to share!

Most of you who know me know that I just got done with a very challenging semester. This past semester was challenging for an array of reasons, but it wasn't a bad semester, just hard.

It was hard because God was taking me, chiseling away my rough edges-- He is still in the process of ripping out my heart and replacing it with a Jesus shaped heart. This process is not finished yet, but I am in the process. I am one step closer than I was a semester ago, a week ago, a day ago. I can say this now because I am not in the middle of the ripping and chiseling-- I unfortunately get caught up in the middle during this process and I can lose sight and forget my blessings (He is also working on this with me).

Last night we had a worship service and while I was sitting with my building team, we were speaking about what the Lord has been showing us and how He has been working in our lives. When we were about to enter into prayer together the music in the background changed to "Oceans" by Hillsong United. I have always loved the song and I have always deeply felt the pull to ask the Lord to lead me where my trust is without borders (I have mentioned this is a previous post, click here to view it).

And then it hit me.

When I had received the RA position I was excited and I prayed to let Him use me for His glory and to let the Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders in my RA journey (and really just in my life in general)-- and that is the EXACT place that I was in last semester. Last semester was definitely something that was out of my comfort zone in so many ways. I was in classes that were hard and there were some things that I couldn't plan for, couldn't expect, couldn't be ready with the best fit plan.

The Holy Spirit led me where my trust was without borders. Sometimes I was wading in the discomfort and other times I was treading water just trying to keep my head above water. And it was good. Not easy, but good. I was pushed. I was pulled. Shoved. I was in those places that left me on my knees and in prayer. I was deeper than I wanted to be. I wanted to go back to the shore at times. I didn't have any of my own strength left and I was tired.

But God showed up.

God showed up. He came beside me and let me rest on His shoulder when I started to drown. He let me find my rest in Him. He was ALWAYS there. He never left me. He never said, "Ehh, I think you can do this by yourself," or "Meh, I know I started this work in you, but I am bored now. See ya." No. He showed up. He stayed with me. Because the God who is with us on the mountain tops is the same God who is with us in the depths of the valley. He never leaves.

So last night when I was sitting in prayer it hit me. This semester I asked to be led where my trust was without borders and into the deep. And that is where I was. He led me into the deep. Where I couldn't even begin to think about the borders of my trust. It hurt. It wasn't pleasant. BUT, it was worth it.

The last Sunday that I was at home, we sang "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin (Listen here). I enjoyed the song. It spoke to my heart in deep places. There are so many good lyrics in the song-- one of my favorite verses is this: "You're a good good Father. It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are. And I am loved by you. It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am."

I am back at school for the new semester (I start classes tomorrow). I went to my "college home" church today. And guess what we sang? Yup, you got it. "Good Good Father." This time around, a week later, the song is even better than what it was when I was at home. It spoke to me on an even deeper level. And that is because of what God revealed to me last night-- how I was led into deep waters where my feet could not wander and my trust is without borders. There is a line in "Good Good Father" that says, "As you lead me deeper still." That line repeats three or four times in a row.

And it clicked.

You lead me deeper still.

He is going to lead me deeper still. And He will continue to be there with me in the deep. He will continue to surround me with His LOVE and His JOY. He will continue to lead me deeper still and that not only means where my trust is without borders. It is not just physically. It is more than doing hard things and embracing vulnerability. He is going to lead me deeper still into His love. Into His grace. His Joy. His presence.

So, Lord, here is to the start of a new semester (and a new way of living), as you lead me deeper still.<3

Feeling joy in the midst of brokenness.

Hi friends!!

I know that it has been a long time, but this semester has been KICKING my butt! I felt like it would never end, but this is finals week. I am almost done!

AND I feel like I ended the semester REALLY well! I have finally found my "home church" here at college--- it took me 3 years, BUT I FOUND IT. And it was worth the wait.

This church has been an answer to so many of my prayers-- and the Pastors are fantastic. They are husband and wife and I think they are some of the most welcoming people that I have ever met. They just make you feel welcome and loved as soon as you step through the door, and I loved that. And really, the whole entire congregation is this way.

I have been there 3 times so far, but I already feel like I have been there for months. It has been something that has been very encouraging to me!! It has reignited my fire for God-- I feel like I am burning the strongest I have been for a long time.

And the best part? I am feeling joy. I can't tell you the last time that I have felt joy, or if I have ever felt joy before. But I can feel the joy now and there have been countless times over the past few weeks that I can't help but to smile. Not only for myself, but for other as well. I have caught myself smiling from ear to ear when I overhear parts of conversations or watch someone do something that makes me smile.

I know that this is different than just being happy. Than just going through the period when I am happy because things seem to be "lining up" for me. I know this because in reality, I don't think that things are lined up for me right now at all--- my fridge broke, my car had a cylinder misfire, and I have finals this week among other things, but I am happy. Joyful.

My car is broken, my fridge needs to be thrown in the dumpster, I have been overwhelmed with a lot of things happening, and I am not sure that I can physically get all of this work done this week, but guess what? I feel like my cup is overflowing with blessings.

Yeah, my car broke, but it will still get me home for break, and I have had many people at my new church offer to help me in any way that they can and made me feel so loved and so blessed. Praise Jesus.

Sure, my fridge broke, but my Keurig still works and I still have coffee, and in the big scheme of things-- I can just get a new one. Praise Jesus.

I am absolutely feeling overwhelmed, but I am being pruned and prepared and polished to do what He has called me to do. Praise Jesus.

Finals are in full swing (and have been since last week), but I have been shown so much grace from my professors and I will manage to get it all done. Praise Jesus.

I am not entirely excited to go home to family for various reasons, but I have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. Praise Jesus.

It is December and there is normally snow on the ground and I hate winter, but the weather has been in the 60's this week. Praise Jesus.

It has been a really long, rough, and dry season in my life (several years long), but I finally feel like something is being lifted. And that the winds are finally changing. Finally.

My cup runneth over.

Sending love and JOY your way my dear, dear friends.

XOXOX
Sadie

An open letter to the children of divorce.

Hi love,

First I want to say that I am sorry that you have had to live through a divorce, whether you were 5, 25, or 65, it still hurts.

I am sorry that you had to watch the two people that created you fall out of love or finally admit they were never in love. I am sorry that you have had to go through that. Because no matter how old you are it is going to shake your whole entire world.

Divorce affects us all in different ways, but it affects us none the less. You may have been through a sticky and very very painful divorce where you were more of a game piece than you were a child, or it may have been an easy transition. You may have spent years after wishing for your mom and dad to become a unit again, or you may be thankful that you don't have to hear the fighting again.

If you were younger you may have been spared watching your family fall to pieces, or spared the never ending fights, but you lack any solid memory of being a whole family. Or you may not feel anything, and you may be missing something that you are not even sure what you are missing. If you were older maybe you remember the fights. All of the arguments. Or maybe you were caught completely off guard because you never heard the fights.

But you are affected in some way, shape, or form.

If your parents remarried after the divorce and had children with their new partner there is probably a larger gap between you and your half siblings. And no matter how well you feel like you fit in with them there is always something that doesn't feel right. They will always have Aunts and Grandparents that are not yours and likewise with your other side of the family. Maybe your parents are still civil and can have a conversation, or maybe they can't talk to this day, over 10 years later.

You may see how the divorce has affected you. You may see your need to always walk away from the situations that you feel are getting too vulnerable. You may see the different ways that you are afraid. Of commitments. Of trusting. Of staying in one place.

Maybe your childhood was so painful that there are a lot of things that you can't remember or maybe you remember every painful detail of your past.

You may be the only child between your mom and dad, or you may have several siblings who walked through that pain with you, either way, you'll feel lonely to some extent. And no matter how socially acceptable it is to be divorced now, the pain will never go away. At least not for you. Because you miss your parents. You miss calling them your parents instead of saying mom or dad.

Or you're tossing around the idea of who is going to walk you down the aisle because your dad and stepdad have shaped you so much growing up; or maybe it is who in your family is going to get your graduation tickets. Maybe you don't talk to one of your parental figures. Or you know the deep pain of losing one of your parents.

Either way, I am sorry. I am sorry that I have found you here, reading my blog, because if you are reading this, we share one of the same wounds. Words cannot express how much I want to be there for you in this. I want you to know that although it can feel like it sometimes, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I am with you. All of us are with you. In some way, not physically, but we can understand to some extent.

So, you, my friend, know that you are not alone and that what you have been through is hard and painful and something that affects you in some way or another. You are more than just a statistic and your story matters. And please, please know that it is not your fault. Imagine me sitting next to you while we talk about what you have gone through or are going through. I am sending my love your way. Xoxox

You are not special. And here's why that is a beautiful thing.

Yesterday I told someone they were not special. And I waited as all the people around me opened their mouths in shock and shot me their judgmental glances.

I’ll say it again, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.

I say this not to put you down. I say this because it is the cold hard truth. You are not special and neither am I. Society has taken each child, sugared them up, and cushioned their fall— telling them that they are special and extraordinary and the best child in the world. This is seeing a child getting a participation ribbon because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Doing this ultimately sets a child up to fail. Life is NOT for sissies. It is going to be cruel to you and you are going to cry. You are going to have times when you want to give up and quit. And there is NO WAY to prevent or stop it.

You are not special. You are going to get hurt and you are going to fail. But guess what? That’s okay.

Did you hear me? That’s okay.

In this society of telling people that they are special and padding their falls, we forget that it is okay to be ordinary, and to fall.

You are ordinary. And ordinary people are the kind of people I want to surround myself with. Ordinary people are the ones that are behind the scenes. The people that are making things happen. These kind of people are the ones who know that life sucks, but it doesn’t stop just because you are hurt. They are the people who find something that gives them hope because they know that there is something more than participation ribbons. They know that they have to work for what they want and that what they want will not be handed to them.

Ordinary people focus on the nitty gritty tasks in life. They do the jobs that aren’t flashy. They are the teachers who love their students and stay after school to help a student who is struggling in their class. They are the counselors who are so spread thin that they feel they can’t help themselves let alone another person, but they keep coming back. They are the father who works late and misses dinner with his kids to provide food for them. They are the single mothers who have to put their children in child care so she can work meanwhile the other mothers judge her for not spending more time with her children. They are the college students who work while they take classes because they aren’t handed everything. They are the survivors— the ones who have been through the hard things and keep fighting. These are the ordinary people.

Society needs ordinary people. The Kingdom of God needs ordinary people. We need ordinary people.

So, no, you are not special. You are ordinary. And that is one of the most beautiful and needed callings to have. You are needed. You are loved. And you are enough. But my goodness, you are not special. You are ordinary. And that is a beautiful thing.