Women, respect each other.

Hi friends,
Thoughts. So many thoughts.

I have a lot of things going through my brain right now, but let's focus on one thing: how we talk to friends.

I hear so many people refer to their friend group as "my main b******." Or "those mofos."

And I just want to ask one question-- why?

Why would you refer to your friends with a derogatory term? And friends, why would you want to be refereed to as said term?

I find it incredibly degrading when I hear someone calling their best friend their "main hoe," or anything of the like. My best friends are people that I care about, people that I love and want to spend time with. People that I have built a friendship with. And that friendship is something that I value a lot. I would NEVER call them something that is known to be used in "cat fights" with those you dislike. My friends should never be called names that are synonymous with those whom I don't like (I don't normally refer to those I don't like with those terms let alone my best friends).

Why? Just why has this become a fad? And more importantly why did it stick?

Your friends are those who are there for you. Those who will wade into the deep for you. Those who run towards the fire while everyone else runs away. They are other human beings that crossed your path and stuck around for a little while. They are the ones that you offer your favorite food to. The ones who can call you at any time of the night. The ones who know that the only word that should be spoken to you in the morning is "coffee."

They are NOT your b*tches. They are NOT you hoes. They are NOT mofos.

All of those words are and should be offensive (I'm not lecturing you on not swearing, that is a whole different conversation in itself). I am saying that we need to respect our friends.

I hear mostly women say those things to other women. And let me ask you this-- when did it become okay to call each other that, when we have fought so hard so that men did not call us that? We are essentially reverting to when it was okay to call women those derogatory names. And why? Don't you know the definitions of those words? And if you do, are your friends that way? I didn't think so...

So my question to you is why?

Why are we calling our wonderful friends who are loved and cared about those names? And why do we accept being called those names?

Why?

Just offering you some food for thought.

Xoxox

As you lead me deeper still.

Hey friends!

I know it's been a little while, but I wanted to share!

Most of you who know me know that I just got done with a very challenging semester. This past semester was challenging for an array of reasons, but it wasn't a bad semester, just hard.

It was hard because God was taking me, chiseling away my rough edges-- He is still in the process of ripping out my heart and replacing it with a Jesus shaped heart. This process is not finished yet, but I am in the process. I am one step closer than I was a semester ago, a week ago, a day ago. I can say this now because I am not in the middle of the ripping and chiseling-- I unfortunately get caught up in the middle during this process and I can lose sight and forget my blessings (He is also working on this with me).

Last night we had a worship service and while I was sitting with my building team, we were speaking about what the Lord has been showing us and how He has been working in our lives. When we were about to enter into prayer together the music in the background changed to "Oceans" by Hillsong United. I have always loved the song and I have always deeply felt the pull to ask the Lord to lead me where my trust is without borders (I have mentioned this is a previous post, click here to view it).

And then it hit me.

When I had received the RA position I was excited and I prayed to let Him use me for His glory and to let the Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders in my RA journey (and really just in my life in general)-- and that is the EXACT place that I was in last semester. Last semester was definitely something that was out of my comfort zone in so many ways. I was in classes that were hard and there were some things that I couldn't plan for, couldn't expect, couldn't be ready with the best fit plan.

The Holy Spirit led me where my trust was without borders. Sometimes I was wading in the discomfort and other times I was treading water just trying to keep my head above water. And it was good. Not easy, but good. I was pushed. I was pulled. Shoved. I was in those places that left me on my knees and in prayer. I was deeper than I wanted to be. I wanted to go back to the shore at times. I didn't have any of my own strength left and I was tired.

But God showed up.

God showed up. He came beside me and let me rest on His shoulder when I started to drown. He let me find my rest in Him. He was ALWAYS there. He never left me. He never said, "Ehh, I think you can do this by yourself," or "Meh, I know I started this work in you, but I am bored now. See ya." No. He showed up. He stayed with me. Because the God who is with us on the mountain tops is the same God who is with us in the depths of the valley. He never leaves.

So last night when I was sitting in prayer it hit me. This semester I asked to be led where my trust was without borders and into the deep. And that is where I was. He led me into the deep. Where I couldn't even begin to think about the borders of my trust. It hurt. It wasn't pleasant. BUT, it was worth it.

The last Sunday that I was at home, we sang "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin (Listen here). I enjoyed the song. It spoke to my heart in deep places. There are so many good lyrics in the song-- one of my favorite verses is this: "You're a good good Father. It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are. And I am loved by you. It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am."

I am back at school for the new semester (I start classes tomorrow). I went to my "college home" church today. And guess what we sang? Yup, you got it. "Good Good Father." This time around, a week later, the song is even better than what it was when I was at home. It spoke to me on an even deeper level. And that is because of what God revealed to me last night-- how I was led into deep waters where my feet could not wander and my trust is without borders. There is a line in "Good Good Father" that says, "As you lead me deeper still." That line repeats three or four times in a row.

And it clicked.

You lead me deeper still.

He is going to lead me deeper still. And He will continue to be there with me in the deep. He will continue to surround me with His LOVE and His JOY. He will continue to lead me deeper still and that not only means where my trust is without borders. It is not just physically. It is more than doing hard things and embracing vulnerability. He is going to lead me deeper still into His love. Into His grace. His Joy. His presence.

So, Lord, here is to the start of a new semester (and a new way of living), as you lead me deeper still.<3

Feeling joy in the midst of brokenness.

Hi friends!!

I know that it has been a long time, but this semester has been KICKING my butt! I felt like it would never end, but this is finals week. I am almost done!

AND I feel like I ended the semester REALLY well! I have finally found my "home church" here at college--- it took me 3 years, BUT I FOUND IT. And it was worth the wait.

This church has been an answer to so many of my prayers-- and the Pastors are fantastic. They are husband and wife and I think they are some of the most welcoming people that I have ever met. They just make you feel welcome and loved as soon as you step through the door, and I loved that. And really, the whole entire congregation is this way.

I have been there 3 times so far, but I already feel like I have been there for months. It has been something that has been very encouraging to me!! It has reignited my fire for God-- I feel like I am burning the strongest I have been for a long time.

And the best part? I am feeling joy. I can't tell you the last time that I have felt joy, or if I have ever felt joy before. But I can feel the joy now and there have been countless times over the past few weeks that I can't help but to smile. Not only for myself, but for other as well. I have caught myself smiling from ear to ear when I overhear parts of conversations or watch someone do something that makes me smile.

I know that this is different than just being happy. Than just going through the period when I am happy because things seem to be "lining up" for me. I know this because in reality, I don't think that things are lined up for me right now at all--- my fridge broke, my car had a cylinder misfire, and I have finals this week among other things, but I am happy. Joyful.

My car is broken, my fridge needs to be thrown in the dumpster, I have been overwhelmed with a lot of things happening, and I am not sure that I can physically get all of this work done this week, but guess what? I feel like my cup is overflowing with blessings.

Yeah, my car broke, but it will still get me home for break, and I have had many people at my new church offer to help me in any way that they can and made me feel so loved and so blessed. Praise Jesus.

Sure, my fridge broke, but my Keurig still works and I still have coffee, and in the big scheme of things-- I can just get a new one. Praise Jesus.

I am absolutely feeling overwhelmed, but I am being pruned and prepared and polished to do what He has called me to do. Praise Jesus.

Finals are in full swing (and have been since last week), but I have been shown so much grace from my professors and I will manage to get it all done. Praise Jesus.

I am not entirely excited to go home to family for various reasons, but I have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. Praise Jesus.

It is December and there is normally snow on the ground and I hate winter, but the weather has been in the 60's this week. Praise Jesus.

It has been a really long, rough, and dry season in my life (several years long), but I finally feel like something is being lifted. And that the winds are finally changing. Finally.

My cup runneth over.

Sending love and JOY your way my dear, dear friends.

XOXOX
Sadie

An open letter to the children of divorce.

Hi love,

First I want to say that I am sorry that you have had to live through a divorce, whether you were 5, 25, or 65, it still hurts.

I am sorry that you had to watch the two people that created you fall out of love or finally admit they were never in love. I am sorry that you have had to go through that. Because no matter how old you are it is going to shake your whole entire world.

Divorce affects us all in different ways, but it affects us none the less. You may have been through a sticky and very very painful divorce where you were more of a game piece than you were a child, or it may have been an easy transition. You may have spent years after wishing for your mom and dad to become a unit again, or you may be thankful that you don't have to hear the fighting again.

If you were younger you may have been spared watching your family fall to pieces, or spared the never ending fights, but you lack any solid memory of being a whole family. Or you may not feel anything, and you may be missing something that you are not even sure what you are missing. If you were older maybe you remember the fights. All of the arguments. Or maybe you were caught completely off guard because you never heard the fights.

But you are affected in some way, shape, or form.

If your parents remarried after the divorce and had children with their new partner there is probably a larger gap between you and your half siblings. And no matter how well you feel like you fit in with them there is always something that doesn't feel right. They will always have Aunts and Grandparents that are not yours and likewise with your other side of the family. Maybe your parents are still civil and can have a conversation, or maybe they can't talk to this day, over 10 years later.

You may see how the divorce has affected you. You may see your need to always walk away from the situations that you feel are getting too vulnerable. You may see the different ways that you are afraid. Of commitments. Of trusting. Of staying in one place.

Maybe your childhood was so painful that there are a lot of things that you can't remember or maybe you remember every painful detail of your past.

You may be the only child between your mom and dad, or you may have several siblings who walked through that pain with you, either way, you'll feel lonely to some extent. And no matter how socially acceptable it is to be divorced now, the pain will never go away. At least not for you. Because you miss your parents. You miss calling them your parents instead of saying mom or dad.

Or you're tossing around the idea of who is going to walk you down the aisle because your dad and stepdad have shaped you so much growing up; or maybe it is who in your family is going to get your graduation tickets. Maybe you don't talk to one of your parental figures. Or you know the deep pain of losing one of your parents.

Either way, I am sorry. I am sorry that I have found you here, reading my blog, because if you are reading this, we share one of the same wounds. Words cannot express how much I want to be there for you in this. I want you to know that although it can feel like it sometimes, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I am with you. All of us are with you. In some way, not physically, but we can understand to some extent.

So, you, my friend, know that you are not alone and that what you have been through is hard and painful and something that affects you in some way or another. You are more than just a statistic and your story matters. And please, please know that it is not your fault. Imagine me sitting next to you while we talk about what you have gone through or are going through. I am sending my love your way. Xoxox

You are not special. And here's why that is a beautiful thing.

Yesterday I told someone they were not special. And I waited as all the people around me opened their mouths in shock and shot me their judgmental glances.

I’ll say it again, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.

I say this not to put you down. I say this because it is the cold hard truth. You are not special and neither am I. Society has taken each child, sugared them up, and cushioned their fall— telling them that they are special and extraordinary and the best child in the world. This is seeing a child getting a participation ribbon because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Doing this ultimately sets a child up to fail. Life is NOT for sissies. It is going to be cruel to you and you are going to cry. You are going to have times when you want to give up and quit. And there is NO WAY to prevent or stop it.

You are not special. You are going to get hurt and you are going to fail. But guess what? That’s okay.

Did you hear me? That’s okay.

In this society of telling people that they are special and padding their falls, we forget that it is okay to be ordinary, and to fall.

You are ordinary. And ordinary people are the kind of people I want to surround myself with. Ordinary people are the ones that are behind the scenes. The people that are making things happen. These kind of people are the ones who know that life sucks, but it doesn’t stop just because you are hurt. They are the people who find something that gives them hope because they know that there is something more than participation ribbons. They know that they have to work for what they want and that what they want will not be handed to them.

Ordinary people focus on the nitty gritty tasks in life. They do the jobs that aren’t flashy. They are the teachers who love their students and stay after school to help a student who is struggling in their class. They are the counselors who are so spread thin that they feel they can’t help themselves let alone another person, but they keep coming back. They are the father who works late and misses dinner with his kids to provide food for them. They are the single mothers who have to put their children in child care so she can work meanwhile the other mothers judge her for not spending more time with her children. They are the college students who work while they take classes because they aren’t handed everything. They are the survivors— the ones who have been through the hard things and keep fighting. These are the ordinary people.

Society needs ordinary people. The Kingdom of God needs ordinary people. We need ordinary people.

So, no, you are not special. You are ordinary. And that is one of the most beautiful and needed callings to have. You are needed. You are loved. And you are enough. But my goodness, you are not special. You are ordinary. And that is a beautiful thing.

God's love, the reason, and Lacey Sturm.

Hi loves,

It has been a little while, but I have been busy, and doing a lot of self-reflecting as of late.

Yesterday we had a guest speaker in our chapel service at my college. Lacey Sturm came to share her testimony. If you don't know who Lacey Sturm is, she is the previous lead singer of the hard rock band Flyleaf, and if you don't know her story, look it up.

Go ahead, look up her testimony. I want you to hear it and I will still be here waiting after you finish it.

Now that you took time to hear her story, let's talk about that.

Lacey came to my school and shared what she had gone through and she let us all lean into the discomfort and the pain, not necessarily her pain and discomfort, but the pain and discomfort that we were feeling in that moment while we remembered the hard times of our lives. While we found a place of understanding and common ground of where she was coming from. Waiting for us not to only hurt for her, but also to hurt for ourselves. That doesn't mean that we had to have gone through the same experiences as she had, in fact, we didn't. But it means that we recognize her pain in her depression, her anxiety, hatred for people, her suicidal thoughts, the feeling of meeting God in her darkest moments, and can find those points in our lives. It is letting our minds wander to those darkest places and feeling that pain.

Lacey does a beautiful job of sharing her story in it's rawest form-- she is honest about what she has gone through and the discomfort that she felt. She doesn't try to sugarcoat it and she doesn't try to make it pretty.

She is honest. She is authentic. And she pours into everyone in the audience. She speaks truth, and she shares love.

Lacey shares what her story is and the pain that she felt, but she also shares the story of how God was moving and working in her life. She shares the hope that she felt, and she also reminds us that just because she became a Christian, her life wasn't fixed.

Lacey also performed a free acoustic concert later that night. This is where I bought her book, and then listened to her and her husband perform several wonderful songs. Some familiar, and some new. It was beautiful to hear her share the back stories behind the songs, and why she wrote or loved them. And it was even more beautiful to see her worshiping the Lord.

At one point, she shared a song called "The Mystery" which is about an interaction she watched between her manager and his daughter and she wondered what that is like, because her father was not part of her life. I snapped a picture of her raising her hand in praise where her tattoo that reads, "Daughter" is visible.

This is the picture I took.Her tattoo is faded, but if 

you look close enough you can see it.

I love this picture so much because while she is singing about the mystery of what it means to have an Earthy father and the pain that comes with that, she is praising the Lord. She is praising her Heavenly Father. And it just beautifully depicts that she has found her identity in Christ, and being His daughter.

After the concert, Lacey opened it up for a Q&A with the audience and then there was a book signing and she wouldn't leave until she saw and talked to everyone in line.

Lacey's story and how she has found redemption and love from that has inspired me so much. God has used her to touch a deep place in my heart. Her testimony was so encouraging for me to hear, and I know for a fact that others were affected by it as well.

I have faith that, I know that, God used her. He used her testimony. He used her heart to touch the lives of us here at Geneva. He used her to wreck our hearts. Not all of us, but several of us. God used her and her story and her hope and her burning love for Christ to wreck my heart. 

I am beyond thankful that she came to Geneva and shared, and poured into each and every one of us. And I cannot wait to get to start her book, The Reason. And I am thrilled for her new album to come out. 

Lacey, it is doubtful that you will ever see this, but if you happen to, know that you have touched my life and I want to thank you for that. Thanks so much, Sadie.

Light is stronger (Trek 2015)

Welcome loves!

I know that it has been a while! The end of my summer picked up rather quickly with two trips to the beach and a trip to New York City. And then I was due to be back at college for RA (resident assistant) training!

As an RA, part of our training is a four day backpacking trip called Trek. Trek was a new experience for me. For those of you that personally know me are well aware that I am not the "outdoorsy" type. I had never been backpacking in my life until I was on Trek. I wish that I could tell you that I had found a brand new hobby that I was going to participate in more often, but in all honesty, I didn't. There were times that I hated being on Trek. It was hard. And it challenged me in a lot of ways. I was very tired throughout the majority of the trip and was ready to come home the first night. But I am glad that I didn't. As uncomfortable as it was for me-- God used it as a start to change my life.

The second day of Trek we went caving. The hike to the cave was probably the roughest day that we did. It was about an hour of a complete incline. I was sweaty and gross and had to stop a few times because I was dehydrated due to not drinking enough water in the morning. I will admit that when I needed to take a break I was beginning to feel like I was more of hindrance to the team rather than an asset. I was overwhelmed and tired and close to tears. But the people I was with were really reflecting God's grace. They were all very patient and kind. One of the ladies who was a leader was very kind to me. She sat with me and talked to me; she did not rush me and make me feel like I was a hindrance. She was just present with me.

When we made it to the cave I was feeling nervous-- not sure if I was claustrophobic or if I was going to have a panic attack in the middle of the cave. I was not exactly looking forward to this experience, but it turns out that it was one of my favorite parts of our trip! Our guides names were Paul and Matt.

As we started in to the cave it was difficult to maneuver your body into some of the spaces, but it was do-able, and the majority of the cave was tall enough that you could stand straight up. We reached a big room of the cave where Paul had us stop and sit down. He had some serious analogies for light and darkness. He had all of us turn off our flashlights and just sit in the darkness (and you think you know what dark is, you don't. Not until you are sitting in a cave that is 200 feet under ground!). He was talking to us about how darkness will flee at any sight of light-- bringing it back to how Christ is our light in the dark places of our lives. We turned our lights back on and continued to walk through the cave, when we reached our stopping point, Matt came around and collected all of our flashlights while Paul starts to tell us that they are going to go hide somewhere in the cave and we have to come find them-- using only our bodies and team; we had to be touching the person in front of us at all times.

My group was so focused on listening to the person in front of them and making sure the person behind them was okay, that we were just making our main goal to be light. We expected Matt and Paul to be sitting somewhere with a light on so that we could see them.  We ended up actually passing them because they did not have a light on-- and we had the mindset of "if it takes to making it to the exit, than that is what it takes. We were so focused that we didn't hear their voices (we were a group of females, so a male voice should have stood out to us) or their whistles in attempt to get our attention. It wasn't until someone accidentally bumped into them that we knew we had passed them, in which case we had to turn around and walk back to them. They lit two candles.

You don't realize how much light two candles give off until after about 20 minutes of complete and total darkness. That's when the light and dark analogy really hit home for me and changed my life. I was almost in tears when Paul was expanding on light and darkness. That ANY amount of light will make the darkness run and flee. I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life that I felt as if I was surrounded by complete darkness and was 200 feet under ground and like there was no way out. As if I was throwing my body in every direction just to see if the ground I was going to stand on was solid and actually there, and while doing this acquired more bruises than necessary. But there is ALWAYS a way out. Christ is our way out. His light is always enough for us, even if as only appearing as a single flame from a candle. The darkness will flee with even the smallest glimmer of light-- the smallest glimmer of hope.

Later when we made our way back to camp to eat lunch before moving campsites. While we were all sitting around eating lunch, when a lady from another group (the same one who sat with me during breaks on the way to the cave) came down to ask our wilderness guides a question. When she left everyone was engaged in a conversation except for me-- so when she said goodbye I was the only one to hear her. I acknowledged her goodbye and smiled. She persisted to tell me that she was really glad she got to know me a little bit and hoped to continue to do so back on campus. And then she chose to speak out and say what was laid on her heart by God. She acknowledged my relational strengths and told me I had a beautiful personality; that I was going to be a good RA because of that. I thanked her and smiled as she departed from our campsite. She had brought me close to tears. I really needed to hear her words. I was feeling as if my gifts were invaluable because I didn't feel like there was a lot of room for me to use them on Trek. Almost all of my teammates loved the woods. The woods were their element, which as you can imagine made me feel a little out of place. I started to tell myself that I would be a bad RA because I wasn't good at backpacking and doing the wilderness thing, which is COMPLETELY irrational if you think about it. My lack of wilderness skills has NOTHING to do with my ability to be an RA, but comparison is the thief of joy (Theodore Roosevelt). I am happy to say that this wonder woman of God really spoke to me. She confirmed the work that I felt Christ doing in me. I am starting to realize that my strengths are just as valuable as the next person's and that I was created as I am in His image.

The rest of Trek was good, but also tiring. We had a day where we had a Solo time-- which is six hours alone. This is a time for you to reflect, pray, read your Bible, worship, spend time with God, or just think in general. This was one of my favorite parts of Trek. Being around my staff all of the time was definitely tiring out my introvert really quickly. And while this time was sort of eventful with the critter of the woods (daddy long leggers, beetles, and some other sounds from critters that I couldn't quite see), it was good. I needed time to wind down and regain some energy and I needed the time to process and reflect on everything that had happened so far on our trip.

The last day of Trek we ate breakfast, packed up and were heading back to the place we were meeting the rest of Res Life and the bus that was bringing us back to campus. I was kind of expecting an easy hike back with the team either on the road or on a path. Little did I know what was coming-- we were given a compass and split into groups of three to find our own way back-- not using the path or the road. I was not thrilled for this. I was actually just ready to be back on the bus heading home. But my group was great. I was with two other ladies that I love, and they kept me entertained and motivated (with some Disney songs and encouragement!). (:

When we were on our way back to campus, I don't think I have been too much happier to be heading to a place with running water, toilets, and pillows! But, I am glad that I was able to have the experience of bonding with my staff and brother staff. Those relationships are definitely worth the four days of not showering, squatting in the woods, lack of pillows, and a lot of critters running around at night! I wouldn't trade these relationships for anything.

As I am sitting here thinking about the fact that the freshmen are moving in tomorrow, I am feeling very excited, and a little bit anxious. I cannot wait to see what Lord is going to do this year and how He is going to use me to speak into these girls and my staff, and how He is going to use them in my life!

I will post again soon! Xoxox