An untitled post

Okay friends, I am going to be painfully honest with all of you. I couldn't fall asleep until I got the thoughts out of my head last night. So here is the poem I wrote.

"Untitled Poem"

Where do you begin for advice?

Something that makes you feel isolated.

“Trust God,” they say.

“You can’t worry about that yet”

“You aren’t that far yet”

“You don’t know what He has in store for you”

Or worse yet,

“Everything happens for a reason”

And the worst,

“Just pray about it”

All of these things linger in the air,

Loom in my mind,

And puncture my heart.

I feel inadequate.

Unworthy.

Broken.

Defective.

I mean,

Who would want me anyway?

I don’t even want me.

I try to not think about it.

I try to not worry.

I try to put my trust fully in God.

I try not to put myself down.

I try not to let myself think about it.

I try to remind myself that I don’t know for sure,

That I am not there yet.

I try to move on.

I try not to let it hurt.

But there are reminders everywhere I turn,

Mocking me.

Walking down the street,

In the mall,

At the grocery store,

On my Facebook,

Everywhere.

I don’t mean to complain.

I know everyone is sick of it.

I sound whiney.

I am being

Ungrateful.

Self-centered.

Selfish.

I’m sorry.

I know that you cannot relate,

You couldn’t possibly understand

Unless you have been here.

I want to move on.

I want to feel okay.

But how do you feel okay

When what you were created to do,

What you want the most,

Is so far out of your reach?

How do you become okay with that?

How do you move on?

Not think about it?

Push it away?

How do you refuse to feel?