Light is stronger (Trek 2015)

Welcome loves!

I know that it has been a while! The end of my summer picked up rather quickly with two trips to the beach and a trip to New York City. And then I was due to be back at college for RA (resident assistant) training!

As an RA, part of our training is a four day backpacking trip called Trek. Trek was a new experience for me. For those of you that personally know me are well aware that I am not the "outdoorsy" type. I had never been backpacking in my life until I was on Trek. I wish that I could tell you that I had found a brand new hobby that I was going to participate in more often, but in all honesty, I didn't. There were times that I hated being on Trek. It was hard. And it challenged me in a lot of ways. I was very tired throughout the majority of the trip and was ready to come home the first night. But I am glad that I didn't. As uncomfortable as it was for me-- God used it as a start to change my life.

The second day of Trek we went caving. The hike to the cave was probably the roughest day that we did. It was about an hour of a complete incline. I was sweaty and gross and had to stop a few times because I was dehydrated due to not drinking enough water in the morning. I will admit that when I needed to take a break I was beginning to feel like I was more of hindrance to the team rather than an asset. I was overwhelmed and tired and close to tears. But the people I was with were really reflecting God's grace. They were all very patient and kind. One of the ladies who was a leader was very kind to me. She sat with me and talked to me; she did not rush me and make me feel like I was a hindrance. She was just present with me.

When we made it to the cave I was feeling nervous-- not sure if I was claustrophobic or if I was going to have a panic attack in the middle of the cave. I was not exactly looking forward to this experience, but it turns out that it was one of my favorite parts of our trip! Our guides names were Paul and Matt.

As we started in to the cave it was difficult to maneuver your body into some of the spaces, but it was do-able, and the majority of the cave was tall enough that you could stand straight up. We reached a big room of the cave where Paul had us stop and sit down. He had some serious analogies for light and darkness. He had all of us turn off our flashlights and just sit in the darkness (and you think you know what dark is, you don't. Not until you are sitting in a cave that is 200 feet under ground!). He was talking to us about how darkness will flee at any sight of light-- bringing it back to how Christ is our light in the dark places of our lives. We turned our lights back on and continued to walk through the cave, when we reached our stopping point, Matt came around and collected all of our flashlights while Paul starts to tell us that they are going to go hide somewhere in the cave and we have to come find them-- using only our bodies and team; we had to be touching the person in front of us at all times.

My group was so focused on listening to the person in front of them and making sure the person behind them was okay, that we were just making our main goal to be light. We expected Matt and Paul to be sitting somewhere with a light on so that we could see them.  We ended up actually passing them because they did not have a light on-- and we had the mindset of "if it takes to making it to the exit, than that is what it takes. We were so focused that we didn't hear their voices (we were a group of females, so a male voice should have stood out to us) or their whistles in attempt to get our attention. It wasn't until someone accidentally bumped into them that we knew we had passed them, in which case we had to turn around and walk back to them. They lit two candles.

You don't realize how much light two candles give off until after about 20 minutes of complete and total darkness. That's when the light and dark analogy really hit home for me and changed my life. I was almost in tears when Paul was expanding on light and darkness. That ANY amount of light will make the darkness run and flee. I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life that I felt as if I was surrounded by complete darkness and was 200 feet under ground and like there was no way out. As if I was throwing my body in every direction just to see if the ground I was going to stand on was solid and actually there, and while doing this acquired more bruises than necessary. But there is ALWAYS a way out. Christ is our way out. His light is always enough for us, even if as only appearing as a single flame from a candle. The darkness will flee with even the smallest glimmer of light-- the smallest glimmer of hope.

Later when we made our way back to camp to eat lunch before moving campsites. While we were all sitting around eating lunch, when a lady from another group (the same one who sat with me during breaks on the way to the cave) came down to ask our wilderness guides a question. When she left everyone was engaged in a conversation except for me-- so when she said goodbye I was the only one to hear her. I acknowledged her goodbye and smiled. She persisted to tell me that she was really glad she got to know me a little bit and hoped to continue to do so back on campus. And then she chose to speak out and say what was laid on her heart by God. She acknowledged my relational strengths and told me I had a beautiful personality; that I was going to be a good RA because of that. I thanked her and smiled as she departed from our campsite. She had brought me close to tears. I really needed to hear her words. I was feeling as if my gifts were invaluable because I didn't feel like there was a lot of room for me to use them on Trek. Almost all of my teammates loved the woods. The woods were their element, which as you can imagine made me feel a little out of place. I started to tell myself that I would be a bad RA because I wasn't good at backpacking and doing the wilderness thing, which is COMPLETELY irrational if you think about it. My lack of wilderness skills has NOTHING to do with my ability to be an RA, but comparison is the thief of joy (Theodore Roosevelt). I am happy to say that this wonder woman of God really spoke to me. She confirmed the work that I felt Christ doing in me. I am starting to realize that my strengths are just as valuable as the next person's and that I was created as I am in His image.

The rest of Trek was good, but also tiring. We had a day where we had a Solo time-- which is six hours alone. This is a time for you to reflect, pray, read your Bible, worship, spend time with God, or just think in general. This was one of my favorite parts of Trek. Being around my staff all of the time was definitely tiring out my introvert really quickly. And while this time was sort of eventful with the critter of the woods (daddy long leggers, beetles, and some other sounds from critters that I couldn't quite see), it was good. I needed time to wind down and regain some energy and I needed the time to process and reflect on everything that had happened so far on our trip.

The last day of Trek we ate breakfast, packed up and were heading back to the place we were meeting the rest of Res Life and the bus that was bringing us back to campus. I was kind of expecting an easy hike back with the team either on the road or on a path. Little did I know what was coming-- we were given a compass and split into groups of three to find our own way back-- not using the path or the road. I was not thrilled for this. I was actually just ready to be back on the bus heading home. But my group was great. I was with two other ladies that I love, and they kept me entertained and motivated (with some Disney songs and encouragement!). (:

When we were on our way back to campus, I don't think I have been too much happier to be heading to a place with running water, toilets, and pillows! But, I am glad that I was able to have the experience of bonding with my staff and brother staff. Those relationships are definitely worth the four days of not showering, squatting in the woods, lack of pillows, and a lot of critters running around at night! I wouldn't trade these relationships for anything.

As I am sitting here thinking about the fact that the freshmen are moving in tomorrow, I am feeling very excited, and a little bit anxious. I cannot wait to see what Lord is going to do this year and how He is going to use me to speak into these girls and my staff, and how He is going to use them in my life!

I will post again soon! Xoxox

Not just as Christians, but as a nation: We need to speak love.

"Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul and healthy for the body," Proverbs 16:24

 

 

 

I think it is time to really think about this. Not just as Christians, but as a nation. There is a lot of hype about the fact that same sex couples are now allowed to get married in any state and how Christians are the judgmental ones in this world.

 

Christians, I just want to put some food for thought out there: you are a Christian, you live according to the Word of God, and try your best to follow those beliefs in obedience. It is important to remember that although homosexuality is classified as a sin in the Bible and we are called to speak Truth, that we are also called to speak Love.

 

It is important that we love someone before we "correct their lifestyle." When we love someone it means to put both of our differences aside and to see them as a person who was created by God and for God that has gotten lost on the way. We all have some things in our past (and present), and that is because every single one of us is broken. Sin is evil and Satan will use anything he can get his hands on to get a hold on our lives. That can be lying, an affair, murder, attraction to the same sex, shame, fear, and judging others as we see fit (just to name a few). We need Jesus just as much, and if not more, than those who are not living the "Christian lifestyle," and quite honestly it is no our job to judge others, we need not to stick our noses in someone else's personal life-- that is between them and God. You do not need to be in the middle.

 

We are also called to speak Truth. But, how can we speak Truth when we neglect to speak out of Love? It is important to remember that we need to earn the right to speak into someone else's life. You cannot just go around pointing out other people's flaws and brokenness; you have to build a SAFE relationship before you can even begin to think about speaking into their lives.

 

Non-Christians (and also Christians), you may feel jaded and hurt by some comments said by a "so-called-Christian," and I am very sorry that you have been hurt in such a deep way. You have every right to feel that pain and to process it; know that we are not perfect either, and we will make mistakes and run our mouths before we examine our hearts. We are people, just like you are.

 

I am sad to see "Christians" react in such an outspoken and judgmental way. That is not what the Bible says we are to be like, and we also have gotten life this way. We are also broken and sinners.

 

But it is important to remember that we are hardwired for connection.

 

We must remember that we are built for connection. We are built for compassion. And when we live in shame, or shaming others that we are setting ourselves up for disconnection.  (for more information on this, check out Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly) We need to speak love.

 

Love is standing bedside someone and being with them through that hard things, and practicing empathy when it is easier to practice yelling at another. It is being beside someone, despite your differences and lending a helping hand, or encouraging word when they need it. It is humbling yourself to see the brokenness in another person (or group) and holding your tongue from insults and judgment.

 

Regardless of what you believe, what gender you are, what your political party you are a part of, what your sexual orientation is, or any other defining factor you are human. We need to feel connected to other people, and we need to feel loved.

 

Summer: tanlines?

Hi friends!

If you know me in the slightest, or can see my picture you know that I have very fair/ pale skin-- I am Irish and German-- which means that I burn. A lot. And I hardly get anything to show for it.

I am going to the beach in July, and my mom (who is not that fair) told me to get a base tan before we go. She was just trying to help me so that I did not burn as bad, and in her mind, this would help. But really it doesn't.

I got burnt 4 times in May alone this year-- none of those burns were "good tan lines," or intentional. I realized that although I have gotten burnt and I did not peal, I was still not getting "tan," I got some color, but to anyone else I just looked too pale.

I swear I am tan. Really I am. (this was taken this year, 2015)

If any of you are fair-skinned you know what sunburn feels like. 15 minutes can make you as red as an apple, and you basically have two different states-- lobster or ghost. And you are most likely used to the pain of sunburn by this time in your life.

I used to lay out with no protection to try and get a tan, but I only burned. I would then hold out and hope that my burn would turn into a tan. And out of the 20 years I have been alive, there was only one summer where I was really tan.

This is my only "real tan" from 2010.

 

 

Now compare it to the picture taken this year (see above). There is a BIG difference. And sure, I like the 2010 picture better, and I wish my complexion could be that dark all the time, or at least every summer, but it has happened once, and I am sure that it will never happen again. Like I said, I am Irish and German.

 

 

We all know that the sun is bad for our skin and can lead to skin cancer. It is proven-- in many, many, many studies. But even so, when summer rolls around, society tells us that we should be tan. And that pale is bad. If you are too pale you just do not fit in. Everyone comments on that, "Wow, you are SO pale!" or "Hah! I am tanner than you. I am never tanner than anyone!" or "You are so pale! Why don't you lay out for a while, or go to a tanning bed? It will definitely help!"

 

This summer I have really been thinking, I put sunblock on all of my tattoos so the ink won't fade-- if the sun can fade the color of tattoos, what is it REALLY doing to my skin? What is so bad about pale? So bad about not getting skin cancer? Not having aging spots when I am 20? What is so bad about that?

 

Sure, I don't "fit in" with society, and the pale comments will never really end, but I have come to peace with my paleness. I have fair skin. I will not tan. I will burn. Either way, I am damaging my skin. I am pale. And if nothing else, I will not damage my skin as much, and on the bright side (literally), my legs almost glow in the dark, so in the summer cars will see them before they hit me. They practically glow in the dark! (:

A voice for children of divorce

I am a child of divorce. Multiplied by two.

When I was 6 years old my mom and my dad split-- it was not an easy divorce; it was loud and messy. I spent years listening to each parent throw a spear in the others direction hoping to hit, but mostly only missing in frustration. That is when I was pulled into the middle. I grew up feeling like I was more of a game piece in their war of divorce that did not end until I turned 18 in May 2013. And even then, it was not until I laid boundaries down that it slowed to a quiet hiss under the surface that we mostly ignore today.

I was free. That's what I tried to believe anyway. But I knew that my dad and step mom were separated and it was quickly going downhill. I went to college in the Fall and tried to leave all of that behind me. On occasion, I would get a text or a phone call from my step mom, my dad, or my gram telling me about all of the drama that was going on. October of 2013 my dad and step mom's divorce was final. I was not sure what this was going to bring, but there was one thing that I knew-- I would not play the middle man this time around. Now, I thought, I am finally free.

And it was true, at least physically. I did not get caught up in the middle of all of the drama. I was not relaying messages to either of them. I was off doing my thing at school. That was until I felt the nagging emotions eating away at me. I tried to push them back down and bury the pain that came along with it.

I kept it to myself for as long as I could, but out it came like emotions always do. I was spiraling fast.

I started to realize that I had control issues, commitment issues, abandonment issues. and trust issues. I learned that these were a product of both divorces. I came to this conclusion when I read this post from Thought Catalog (click here to read it-- it is a great read about how children of divorce feel and how that plays out in everyday life. I highly recommend it). That post is one that accurately describes what it is like to be a child of divorced parents-- it talks about the thing that everyone-- including ourselves-- would just like to push under the rug and pretend that they do not exist.

There is many different ways that a divorce can effect a child. Some slip into depression and alcohol and drugs, while others search for love using their bodies as bait. And then there are those like myself.

I do not do drugs. I do not party. I am a virgin. But I am scared as hell to commit. To love. To be vulnerable. There are wounds that cut deeper than you can imagine-- scars in my past that play out in every day life for me. I am not depressed, but I have a natural bent towards those sad and dark and twisty parts of life and myself.

I have many broken pieces from these divorces, but I am not going to sit here and tell you all about them. I am here to be a voice.

I am a voice for the children of divorce.

Parents (or "Mom and Dad" as we refer to you as you are no longer a unit),

 

Know that divorce hurts. Not only you, but us (the children, no matter how old) as well. We are not immune to what is around us, yes we are resilient, but it hurts. And as much as you want to think that saying something about our other parent is not harmful, it is. As much as you want to use us to get back at the other parent, don't. Please, we are not a game piece for your petty games-- we are your children.

 

When we seem sad, ask us what is wrong. And when you find someone else to be with, take us aside and talk to us. Give us time to adjust; understand that we are not trying to make your life hard by being disruptive, we are just trying to adjust. If we are very young, we are probably still trying to figure out why Mommy and Daddy do not live together let alone why there is another man/ woman in our new house (and if we switch houses between you two, we are still trying to figure out what is home and what that looks like now).

 

Remind us that the divorce is not our fault and that you still love us-- remind us that the other parent still loves us too. Remind us of our self worth. Give us time to process and cry. And take time to spend time with just us.

 

Show us patience. We are trying to adjust too.

 

Do not tell us to hide our emotions, and PLEASE do not shame us for them. Let us take time to grieve our broken family, and to process how our lives have been turned upside down.

 

But most importantly, love us. Tell us that we are worthy of love.

 

Sincerely,

Your child[ren].

TOGETHER not BESIDE.

Hi friends,
Sometimes I just have to take a step back and wonder what has happened to this world. Things have changed, and not in a good way. (If you go to the same college as me, hang in there-- this is going to sound a lot like a humanities course-- but you will be able to understand it! And there is a valid point behind it all; as much as I hate humanities like the rest of you, there is some truth behind those readings that leave me more confused than if I wouldn't have read it at all).

What happened to society? Was it Nokia that started it all? Or was it manageable until Apple made their pretty little heads known?

We have went from spending time with others to making it a point to ignore others. We hide behind our computer screens or our smart phones-- constantly connected, but never in relationship.

When did we get to this point? How did we get to this point?

I'm not saying that I am different from the majority-- I mean even now I am sitting in a room with other people, laptop open, both headphones in, and Spotify playing. I am not immune to this fad of autonomy and individualism, but I do try to still take time to foster relationships.

We, as humans, were made for living in relationship with others. We are supposed to do life TOGETHER, not BESIDE each other. We are "talking" to everyone except for the people we are physically with. The majority of those in our society cannot go more than 10 minutes without checking their phone, and less than 5 without it. We are addicted to technology and it has split us in more ways than just having real conversations-- you are either an Apple fan or you are team android and people usually know where you stand because it can lead to arguments.

We are so far gone that we argue over cell phone and laptop brands.

When we do not answer someone's text or Facebook message within a few minutes they either get angry or start to panic. And now you know when someone read or saw your message via Facebook or your iMessage.

While I am at college, I love to write letters! I love to send others some encouragement, it is one of the things that makes me that happiest. But I also like to receive mail. It used to be that you sent a letter and someone took time out of their day to reply. But in today's time I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten a text or Facebook message saying thank you instead of a return letter. I don't know it could just be the old soul in me, but I enjoy sending letter back and forth. It gives the words a little bit more excitement.

Or it used to be that when you had a conversation with someone you were only with them. Now you are having a conversation with them and the 6 people they are messaging. How many times have you tried to have quality time with a friend and they are looking at their phone more than they are looking at you-- or you are talking to them and they can barely look up to answer you. I know for me it discourages me a little bit. I feel like i should just stop having that conversation because they clearly have something/ someone better to do/ talk to... This is something that I try my hardest not to do. If I am having quality time with someone, I will often lay my phone on the table with the screen facing up so that I can see it in case of an emergency, but rarely do I ever touch it. I enjoy to give the person I am with all of the attention. Giving them eye contact so that they know that I am listening.

I want to challenge you. The next time you are having a conversation with someone, try not to be staring at your phone-- I can almost guarantee that the person texting you will still be there when you are done, and that your conversation with the person you are WITH will be better too.

Try to take time to be in relationship WITH others and less time in front of a screen of some sort. We are losing those deep relationships that we so desperately need.

You may be looking for a healing, but He is going to give you a resurrection.

Hi loves!
Last night I had a long life chat with a wonderful friend. She and I have become really good friends this semester, and I cannot thank God enough for bringing her into my life.

Our life chat was pretty solid. It wasn't always easy things to talk about, but it is important to talk about the hard things. One of the things that we talked about is seeing yourself how God sees you. This is something that is incredibly hard to do, and I am sure that 99% of all people have a hard time believing this on some level. Some scars go deeper than others, and some people are better at taking things to heart and believing them.

Something that I learned the Student Support Network group that I am in is that everyone has a number. We all have a certain number of times that we need to hear something to make it click or for us to believe it. It can be 3 times, 30 times, or 30,000 times that you need to hear something. For myself the number is definitely on the higher side, but is important to hear something when it is said, and assess if you should strive to believe it, or release the negativity and understand that is a lie from the enemy.

I have a tendency to be incredibly hard on myself and show just about zero mercy and grace to myself. I minimize my problems to others, and I will beat myself up about almost everything. I can have the same exact thing happen to me as someone else and process it, and deal with it in the same exact way. This reaction will have been completely valid for the other person, but it is not okay for myself.

I am a work in progress to change this about myself, and I have come a far way since the past.

If my life chat last night was not enough, the message in church touched on the heart of the issue. We read John 11:1-44 which is the story of Lazarus.

If you all don't know it, here is a brief summary of what happens, there is a friend of Jesus named Lazarus. Jesus, Lazarus, and his sisters Mary and Martha are all really chill buds. Someone comes to tell Jesus that Lazarus is sick and that he needs a healing from Jesus because he is dying. Jesus says okay, but he continues to do what he was doing, he doesn't take any quick actions despite the urgency of what the others are saying (but don't worry guys, Jesus knows what He is doing!). So in a couple days Jesus goes to where Lazarus is resting in peace. Martha, Lazarus' sister, comes to meet Jesus and tells him that is he was here earlier, Lazarus wouldn't be dead, he has been dead for 4 days (which is one day too late for the peoples to have any hope that he can come back to life, see back then they believed that after a person died, that there was still a chance that they could come back to life if it was in 3 days and they would try everything they knew to make that happen), but Martha says that she knows that Jesus is still good and that she will get to see her brother again in heaven. Jesus says that her brother will rise from the dead, not in the end times, but now.After this, Mary comes to Jesus and just asks why he didn't come and save her brother. Mary can be seen as tired and worn and hurt. Jesus knows that is all going to be okay, like super soon, but despite that he knows that it is all going to work out, he takes time to recognize his friends pain and sorrow and Jesus wept. And the story goes on to show 4 days isn't too late for Jesus to resuscitate his friend Lazarus, that no time is too late for Jesus.

The pastor tied this into our lives to tell us that no matter how far gone we feel that we are that we are not too far gone for Jesus to heal us. That is not too late for Jesus-- it's not too late, but there is the reality of not yet.

The not yet refers to the part of the story where Jesus waits to go to help Lazarus. There are not yet's in our lives every single day. You want to be completely healed from something right now in this very instance and not have to deal with it later? Hmm, that sounds something a lot like the fact that everyone wanted Jesus to come now because if he didn't that it would be too late for Lazarus.

No matter how far gone you feel like you are in something-- a particular sin, in being mean to yourself, in your brokenness-- it is not too late for Jesus. He can take you and heal you. He loves you because you are you and nothing else. He doesn't love you because of that A+ you got on your Calc exam or for the good deed that you did today or even your ability to refrain from that sin you struggle with the most. He loves you because you are you. You are His child. His little girl. His beloved son. He created you to be you. He created you in His image (This is not to say that we do not need to repent of our sins, but to say that He loves you despite of them).

So, where ever you are, you are not too far for Jesus. He can intervene, and He will. Just take that first step towards Him. There is hope for you. There is hope for your situation. There is hope for my situation.

And remember that there are not yet's. You may be looking for a healing, but He is going to give you a resurrection.

My trip to New Orleans: blessed and honored.

Hi friends!

As some of you know, I recently went on a missions trip to New Orleans over my spring break. My team and I have been so blessed to have the opportunity to help out the community in Hollygrove, LA, and to hear the stories of those who live there. Those stories have shaped and grown me in so many ways and we were only in NOLA for four days!

While we were there we worked alongside Trinity Christian Community (TCC). We were able to do an array of things while we were there. We did some yard work, helped clean out a house that had been infested with rats and was broken into twice, go on a prayer walk in Hollygrove to hear some history of the town and be able to pray over not only the town, but those that live there as well, worked alongside New Orleans Missions to prepare food packs, and hand them out to members of the community who were in need, we were able to tutor some of the kids at TCC's after-school program, we got to hear the stories of many people who live in Hollygrove, and we worked with Arc alongside adults with disabilities to sort recycled Mardi Gras beads.

We were also able to go out and explore the city in the evenings. We went to the French Quarter, the Lower Ninth Ward, the Garden District, and on a swamp tour.

We went to church in Alabama the Sunday after we left PA-- I really enjoyed Alabama! I want to live there someday. My heart felt like it was at home when I was there. I had a sense of peace and home.

On our way to and from NOLA we stayed at Covenant College to break up the driving time a little bit. When we left NOLA to head back to Covenant, our leaders surprised us with a trip to Pensacola Beach, FL. It was wonderful despite the rain that we hit!

I have been incredibly blessed to go on this missions trip. I have learned so much about myself, and the people of Hollygrove. I was able to bond with my team, and share some laughs not only with them, but also with the people of NOLA and those employed at TCC. It was an amazing opportunity, and I cannot thank God enough to have been able to participate in it.