Hey you,
It's been a while...
There was a time when we were closer, when we used to make memories together-- when we used to be family. There was a very long stretch of time when we were apart of each others lives.
There are memories that you are a part of and they aren't much of a memory if I take you out of it. There would be a big gaping hole in the memory (or no memory at all) if I did that. We had so much history together.
10 years worth of memories-- good and bad, but that is what it is like with family. I always thought that is what we used to be, anyway.
I used to think about my future when I was a little girl. I always had a discord between who was going to do the things that a mother does on my wedding day. I felt so torn because my mom was my mom, but you were just as much as a mom to me, but I guess this doesn't matter anymore. I imagined that the girls would be my bridesmaids-- I always tried to understand the bond you have with your sisters with them, but I felt like an outsider a lot of the time. It wasn't their fault, it's just how it was. It's hard to take two families and make them into one without there being some kind of disconnection.
But we were a family none the less-- dysfunctional and awkward at times, but we share laughter and tears together. We share pain and joy together. Memories that cannot be forgotten. There are things that I can't look at without thinking of you. And there are still things that you bought me-- I thought about this a lot when I was making my coffee this morning. You bought me that Keurig several years ago as a surprise for no apparent reason. Just because I kept asking for months on months...
I don't have these moments of sweet, painful nostalgia often, but every now and again they pierce me right through the heart and it hits me. It hits me time and time again. We will most likely never have a relationship, of any kind, ever again.
I wonder if you ever experience and feel the same thing?
There are times that I question why you just walked away-- there was no reason; no closure. I tried to keep the relationship strong, but there is only so much someone can do. I go through phases of anger, but my heart is filled with mostly hurt. I thought of you as a mother figure since I was 7 years old, and I still do sometimes. There are times that I still refer to you as a step mother, and the question of how many siblings I have is something that I will never be able to answer without thinking about it more than once-- do I say 2 or do I say 4? 2. I say 2. The pain seers through me like a razor cuts through paper-- clean through and precise.
And when I really think about it-- it wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It just was. It just is. Things happen and people leave. That's just what we do-- sometimes it is intentional and other times it just happens, slowly and quietly-- you are standing in the middle of a firm, strong, bridge one minute and the next thing you notice is that you are on opposite sides looking at the rubble and the remaining hot ashes wondering what happened. Wondering how we got to a place where we pretend that we don't know each other.
I'm sorry we drifted apart, but remember that I will always love you.
