An open letter to the children of divorce.

Hi love,

First I want to say that I am sorry that you have had to live through a divorce, whether you were 5, 25, or 65, it still hurts.

I am sorry that you had to watch the two people that created you fall out of love or finally admit they were never in love. I am sorry that you have had to go through that. Because no matter how old you are it is going to shake your whole entire world.

Divorce affects us all in different ways, but it affects us none the less. You may have been through a sticky and very very painful divorce where you were more of a game piece than you were a child, or it may have been an easy transition. You may have spent years after wishing for your mom and dad to become a unit again, or you may be thankful that you don't have to hear the fighting again.

If you were younger you may have been spared watching your family fall to pieces, or spared the never ending fights, but you lack any solid memory of being a whole family. Or you may not feel anything, and you may be missing something that you are not even sure what you are missing. If you were older maybe you remember the fights. All of the arguments. Or maybe you were caught completely off guard because you never heard the fights.

But you are affected in some way, shape, or form.

If your parents remarried after the divorce and had children with their new partner there is probably a larger gap between you and your half siblings. And no matter how well you feel like you fit in with them there is always something that doesn't feel right. They will always have Aunts and Grandparents that are not yours and likewise with your other side of the family. Maybe your parents are still civil and can have a conversation, or maybe they can't talk to this day, over 10 years later.

You may see how the divorce has affected you. You may see your need to always walk away from the situations that you feel are getting too vulnerable. You may see the different ways that you are afraid. Of commitments. Of trusting. Of staying in one place.

Maybe your childhood was so painful that there are a lot of things that you can't remember or maybe you remember every painful detail of your past.

You may be the only child between your mom and dad, or you may have several siblings who walked through that pain with you, either way, you'll feel lonely to some extent. And no matter how socially acceptable it is to be divorced now, the pain will never go away. At least not for you. Because you miss your parents. You miss calling them your parents instead of saying mom or dad.

Or you're tossing around the idea of who is going to walk you down the aisle because your dad and stepdad have shaped you so much growing up; or maybe it is who in your family is going to get your graduation tickets. Maybe you don't talk to one of your parental figures. Or you know the deep pain of losing one of your parents.

Either way, I am sorry. I am sorry that I have found you here, reading my blog, because if you are reading this, we share one of the same wounds. Words cannot express how much I want to be there for you in this. I want you to know that although it can feel like it sometimes, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I am with you. All of us are with you. In some way, not physically, but we can understand to some extent.

So, you, my friend, know that you are not alone and that what you have been through is hard and painful and something that affects you in some way or another. You are more than just a statistic and your story matters. And please, please know that it is not your fault. Imagine me sitting next to you while we talk about what you have gone through or are going through. I am sending my love your way. Xoxox

You are not special. And here's why that is a beautiful thing.

Yesterday I told someone they were not special. And I waited as all the people around me opened their mouths in shock and shot me their judgmental glances.

I’ll say it again, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.

I say this not to put you down. I say this because it is the cold hard truth. You are not special and neither am I. Society has taken each child, sugared them up, and cushioned their fall— telling them that they are special and extraordinary and the best child in the world. This is seeing a child getting a participation ribbon because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Doing this ultimately sets a child up to fail. Life is NOT for sissies. It is going to be cruel to you and you are going to cry. You are going to have times when you want to give up and quit. And there is NO WAY to prevent or stop it.

You are not special. You are going to get hurt and you are going to fail. But guess what? That’s okay.

Did you hear me? That’s okay.

In this society of telling people that they are special and padding their falls, we forget that it is okay to be ordinary, and to fall.

You are ordinary. And ordinary people are the kind of people I want to surround myself with. Ordinary people are the ones that are behind the scenes. The people that are making things happen. These kind of people are the ones who know that life sucks, but it doesn’t stop just because you are hurt. They are the people who find something that gives them hope because they know that there is something more than participation ribbons. They know that they have to work for what they want and that what they want will not be handed to them.

Ordinary people focus on the nitty gritty tasks in life. They do the jobs that aren’t flashy. They are the teachers who love their students and stay after school to help a student who is struggling in their class. They are the counselors who are so spread thin that they feel they can’t help themselves let alone another person, but they keep coming back. They are the father who works late and misses dinner with his kids to provide food for them. They are the single mothers who have to put their children in child care so she can work meanwhile the other mothers judge her for not spending more time with her children. They are the college students who work while they take classes because they aren’t handed everything. They are the survivors— the ones who have been through the hard things and keep fighting. These are the ordinary people.

Society needs ordinary people. The Kingdom of God needs ordinary people. We need ordinary people.

So, no, you are not special. You are ordinary. And that is one of the most beautiful and needed callings to have. You are needed. You are loved. And you are enough. But my goodness, you are not special. You are ordinary. And that is a beautiful thing.