When I was 6 years old my mom and my dad split-- it was not an easy divorce; it was loud and messy. I spent years listening to each parent throw a spear in the others direction hoping to hit, but mostly only missing in frustration. That is when I was pulled into the middle. I grew up feeling like I was more of a game piece in their war of divorce that did not end until I turned 18 in May 2013. And even then, it was not until I laid boundaries down that it slowed to a quiet hiss under the surface that we mostly ignore today.
I was free. That's what I tried to believe anyway. But I knew that my dad and step mom were separated and it was quickly going downhill. I went to college in the Fall and tried to leave all of that behind me. On occasion, I would get a text or a phone call from my step mom, my dad, or my gram telling me about all of the drama that was going on. October of 2013 my dad and step mom's divorce was final. I was not sure what this was going to bring, but there was one thing that I knew-- I would not play the middle man this time around. Now, I thought, I am finally free.
And it was true, at least physically. I did not get caught up in the middle of all of the drama. I was not relaying messages to either of them. I was off doing my thing at school. That was until I felt the nagging emotions eating away at me. I tried to push them back down and bury the pain that came along with it.
I kept it to myself for as long as I could, but out it came like emotions always do. I was spiraling fast.
I started to realize that I had control issues, commitment issues, abandonment issues. and trust issues. I learned that these were a product of both divorces. I came to this conclusion when I read this post from Thought Catalog (click here to read it-- it is a great read about how children of divorce feel and how that plays out in everyday life. I highly recommend it). That post is one that accurately describes what it is like to be a child of divorced parents-- it talks about the thing that everyone-- including ourselves-- would just like to push under the rug and pretend that they do not exist.
There is many different ways that a divorce can effect a child. Some slip into depression and alcohol and drugs, while others search for love using their bodies as bait. And then there are those like myself.
I do not do drugs. I do not party. I am a virgin. But I am scared as hell to commit. To love. To be vulnerable. There are wounds that cut deeper than you can imagine-- scars in my past that play out in every day life for me. I am not depressed, but I have a natural bent towards those sad and dark and twisty parts of life and myself.
I have many broken pieces from these divorces, but I am not going to sit here and tell you all about them. I am here to be a voice.
I am a voice for the children of divorce.
Parents (or "Mom and Dad" as we refer to you as you are no longer a unit),
Know that divorce hurts. Not only you, but us (the children, no matter how old) as well. We are not immune to what is around us, yes we are resilient, but it hurts. And as much as you want to think that saying something about our other parent is not harmful, it is. As much as you want to use us to get back at the other parent, don't. Please, we are not a game piece for your petty games-- we are your children.
When we seem sad, ask us what is wrong. And when you find someone else to be with, take us aside and talk to us. Give us time to adjust; understand that we are not trying to make your life hard by being disruptive, we are just trying to adjust. If we are very young, we are probably still trying to figure out why Mommy and Daddy do not live together let alone why there is another man/ woman in our new house (and if we switch houses between you two, we are still trying to figure out what is home and what that looks like now).
Remind us that the divorce is not our fault and that you still love us-- remind us that the other parent still loves us too. Remind us of our self worth. Give us time to process and cry. And take time to spend time with just us.
Show us patience. We are trying to adjust too.
Do not tell us to hide our emotions, and PLEASE do not shame us for them. Let us take time to grieve our broken family, and to process how our lives have been turned upside down.
But most importantly, love us. Tell us that we are worthy of love.
Sincerely,
Your child[ren].
