Feeling joy in the midst of brokenness.

Hi friends!!

I know that it has been a long time, but this semester has been KICKING my butt! I felt like it would never end, but this is finals week. I am almost done!

AND I feel like I ended the semester REALLY well! I have finally found my "home church" here at college--- it took me 3 years, BUT I FOUND IT. And it was worth the wait.

This church has been an answer to so many of my prayers-- and the Pastors are fantastic. They are husband and wife and I think they are some of the most welcoming people that I have ever met. They just make you feel welcome and loved as soon as you step through the door, and I loved that. And really, the whole entire congregation is this way.

I have been there 3 times so far, but I already feel like I have been there for months. It has been something that has been very encouraging to me!! It has reignited my fire for God-- I feel like I am burning the strongest I have been for a long time.

And the best part? I am feeling joy. I can't tell you the last time that I have felt joy, or if I have ever felt joy before. But I can feel the joy now and there have been countless times over the past few weeks that I can't help but to smile. Not only for myself, but for other as well. I have caught myself smiling from ear to ear when I overhear parts of conversations or watch someone do something that makes me smile.

I know that this is different than just being happy. Than just going through the period when I am happy because things seem to be "lining up" for me. I know this because in reality, I don't think that things are lined up for me right now at all--- my fridge broke, my car had a cylinder misfire, and I have finals this week among other things, but I am happy. Joyful.

My car is broken, my fridge needs to be thrown in the dumpster, I have been overwhelmed with a lot of things happening, and I am not sure that I can physically get all of this work done this week, but guess what? I feel like my cup is overflowing with blessings.

Yeah, my car broke, but it will still get me home for break, and I have had many people at my new church offer to help me in any way that they can and made me feel so loved and so blessed. Praise Jesus.

Sure, my fridge broke, but my Keurig still works and I still have coffee, and in the big scheme of things-- I can just get a new one. Praise Jesus.

I am absolutely feeling overwhelmed, but I am being pruned and prepared and polished to do what He has called me to do. Praise Jesus.

Finals are in full swing (and have been since last week), but I have been shown so much grace from my professors and I will manage to get it all done. Praise Jesus.

I am not entirely excited to go home to family for various reasons, but I have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. Praise Jesus.

It is December and there is normally snow on the ground and I hate winter, but the weather has been in the 60's this week. Praise Jesus.

It has been a really long, rough, and dry season in my life (several years long), but I finally feel like something is being lifted. And that the winds are finally changing. Finally.

My cup runneth over.

Sending love and JOY your way my dear, dear friends.

XOXOX
Sadie

An open letter to the children of divorce.

Hi love,

First I want to say that I am sorry that you have had to live through a divorce, whether you were 5, 25, or 65, it still hurts.

I am sorry that you had to watch the two people that created you fall out of love or finally admit they were never in love. I am sorry that you have had to go through that. Because no matter how old you are it is going to shake your whole entire world.

Divorce affects us all in different ways, but it affects us none the less. You may have been through a sticky and very very painful divorce where you were more of a game piece than you were a child, or it may have been an easy transition. You may have spent years after wishing for your mom and dad to become a unit again, or you may be thankful that you don't have to hear the fighting again.

If you were younger you may have been spared watching your family fall to pieces, or spared the never ending fights, but you lack any solid memory of being a whole family. Or you may not feel anything, and you may be missing something that you are not even sure what you are missing. If you were older maybe you remember the fights. All of the arguments. Or maybe you were caught completely off guard because you never heard the fights.

But you are affected in some way, shape, or form.

If your parents remarried after the divorce and had children with their new partner there is probably a larger gap between you and your half siblings. And no matter how well you feel like you fit in with them there is always something that doesn't feel right. They will always have Aunts and Grandparents that are not yours and likewise with your other side of the family. Maybe your parents are still civil and can have a conversation, or maybe they can't talk to this day, over 10 years later.

You may see how the divorce has affected you. You may see your need to always walk away from the situations that you feel are getting too vulnerable. You may see the different ways that you are afraid. Of commitments. Of trusting. Of staying in one place.

Maybe your childhood was so painful that there are a lot of things that you can't remember or maybe you remember every painful detail of your past.

You may be the only child between your mom and dad, or you may have several siblings who walked through that pain with you, either way, you'll feel lonely to some extent. And no matter how socially acceptable it is to be divorced now, the pain will never go away. At least not for you. Because you miss your parents. You miss calling them your parents instead of saying mom or dad.

Or you're tossing around the idea of who is going to walk you down the aisle because your dad and stepdad have shaped you so much growing up; or maybe it is who in your family is going to get your graduation tickets. Maybe you don't talk to one of your parental figures. Or you know the deep pain of losing one of your parents.

Either way, I am sorry. I am sorry that I have found you here, reading my blog, because if you are reading this, we share one of the same wounds. Words cannot express how much I want to be there for you in this. I want you to know that although it can feel like it sometimes, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I am with you. All of us are with you. In some way, not physically, but we can understand to some extent.

So, you, my friend, know that you are not alone and that what you have been through is hard and painful and something that affects you in some way or another. You are more than just a statistic and your story matters. And please, please know that it is not your fault. Imagine me sitting next to you while we talk about what you have gone through or are going through. I am sending my love your way. Xoxox

You are not special. And here's why that is a beautiful thing.

Yesterday I told someone they were not special. And I waited as all the people around me opened their mouths in shock and shot me their judgmental glances.

I’ll say it again, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.

I say this not to put you down. I say this because it is the cold hard truth. You are not special and neither am I. Society has taken each child, sugared them up, and cushioned their fall— telling them that they are special and extraordinary and the best child in the world. This is seeing a child getting a participation ribbon because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Doing this ultimately sets a child up to fail. Life is NOT for sissies. It is going to be cruel to you and you are going to cry. You are going to have times when you want to give up and quit. And there is NO WAY to prevent or stop it.

You are not special. You are going to get hurt and you are going to fail. But guess what? That’s okay.

Did you hear me? That’s okay.

In this society of telling people that they are special and padding their falls, we forget that it is okay to be ordinary, and to fall.

You are ordinary. And ordinary people are the kind of people I want to surround myself with. Ordinary people are the ones that are behind the scenes. The people that are making things happen. These kind of people are the ones who know that life sucks, but it doesn’t stop just because you are hurt. They are the people who find something that gives them hope because they know that there is something more than participation ribbons. They know that they have to work for what they want and that what they want will not be handed to them.

Ordinary people focus on the nitty gritty tasks in life. They do the jobs that aren’t flashy. They are the teachers who love their students and stay after school to help a student who is struggling in their class. They are the counselors who are so spread thin that they feel they can’t help themselves let alone another person, but they keep coming back. They are the father who works late and misses dinner with his kids to provide food for them. They are the single mothers who have to put their children in child care so she can work meanwhile the other mothers judge her for not spending more time with her children. They are the college students who work while they take classes because they aren’t handed everything. They are the survivors— the ones who have been through the hard things and keep fighting. These are the ordinary people.

Society needs ordinary people. The Kingdom of God needs ordinary people. We need ordinary people.

So, no, you are not special. You are ordinary. And that is one of the most beautiful and needed callings to have. You are needed. You are loved. And you are enough. But my goodness, you are not special. You are ordinary. And that is a beautiful thing.

God's love, the reason, and Lacey Sturm.

Hi loves,

It has been a little while, but I have been busy, and doing a lot of self-reflecting as of late.

Yesterday we had a guest speaker in our chapel service at my college. Lacey Sturm came to share her testimony. If you don't know who Lacey Sturm is, she is the previous lead singer of the hard rock band Flyleaf, and if you don't know her story, look it up.

Go ahead, look up her testimony. I want you to hear it and I will still be here waiting after you finish it.

Now that you took time to hear her story, let's talk about that.

Lacey came to my school and shared what she had gone through and she let us all lean into the discomfort and the pain, not necessarily her pain and discomfort, but the pain and discomfort that we were feeling in that moment while we remembered the hard times of our lives. While we found a place of understanding and common ground of where she was coming from. Waiting for us not to only hurt for her, but also to hurt for ourselves. That doesn't mean that we had to have gone through the same experiences as she had, in fact, we didn't. But it means that we recognize her pain in her depression, her anxiety, hatred for people, her suicidal thoughts, the feeling of meeting God in her darkest moments, and can find those points in our lives. It is letting our minds wander to those darkest places and feeling that pain.

Lacey does a beautiful job of sharing her story in it's rawest form-- she is honest about what she has gone through and the discomfort that she felt. She doesn't try to sugarcoat it and she doesn't try to make it pretty.

She is honest. She is authentic. And she pours into everyone in the audience. She speaks truth, and she shares love.

Lacey shares what her story is and the pain that she felt, but she also shares the story of how God was moving and working in her life. She shares the hope that she felt, and she also reminds us that just because she became a Christian, her life wasn't fixed.

Lacey also performed a free acoustic concert later that night. This is where I bought her book, and then listened to her and her husband perform several wonderful songs. Some familiar, and some new. It was beautiful to hear her share the back stories behind the songs, and why she wrote or loved them. And it was even more beautiful to see her worshiping the Lord.

At one point, she shared a song called "The Mystery" which is about an interaction she watched between her manager and his daughter and she wondered what that is like, because her father was not part of her life. I snapped a picture of her raising her hand in praise where her tattoo that reads, "Daughter" is visible.

This is the picture I took.Her tattoo is faded, but if 

you look close enough you can see it.

I love this picture so much because while she is singing about the mystery of what it means to have an Earthy father and the pain that comes with that, she is praising the Lord. She is praising her Heavenly Father. And it just beautifully depicts that she has found her identity in Christ, and being His daughter.

After the concert, Lacey opened it up for a Q&A with the audience and then there was a book signing and she wouldn't leave until she saw and talked to everyone in line.

Lacey's story and how she has found redemption and love from that has inspired me so much. God has used her to touch a deep place in my heart. Her testimony was so encouraging for me to hear, and I know for a fact that others were affected by it as well.

I have faith that, I know that, God used her. He used her testimony. He used her heart to touch the lives of us here at Geneva. He used her to wreck our hearts. Not all of us, but several of us. God used her and her story and her hope and her burning love for Christ to wreck my heart. 

I am beyond thankful that she came to Geneva and shared, and poured into each and every one of us. And I cannot wait to get to start her book, The Reason. And I am thrilled for her new album to come out. 

Lacey, it is doubtful that you will ever see this, but if you happen to, know that you have touched my life and I want to thank you for that. Thanks so much, Sadie.

Light is stronger (Trek 2015)

Welcome loves!

I know that it has been a while! The end of my summer picked up rather quickly with two trips to the beach and a trip to New York City. And then I was due to be back at college for RA (resident assistant) training!

As an RA, part of our training is a four day backpacking trip called Trek. Trek was a new experience for me. For those of you that personally know me are well aware that I am not the "outdoorsy" type. I had never been backpacking in my life until I was on Trek. I wish that I could tell you that I had found a brand new hobby that I was going to participate in more often, but in all honesty, I didn't. There were times that I hated being on Trek. It was hard. And it challenged me in a lot of ways. I was very tired throughout the majority of the trip and was ready to come home the first night. But I am glad that I didn't. As uncomfortable as it was for me-- God used it as a start to change my life.

The second day of Trek we went caving. The hike to the cave was probably the roughest day that we did. It was about an hour of a complete incline. I was sweaty and gross and had to stop a few times because I was dehydrated due to not drinking enough water in the morning. I will admit that when I needed to take a break I was beginning to feel like I was more of hindrance to the team rather than an asset. I was overwhelmed and tired and close to tears. But the people I was with were really reflecting God's grace. They were all very patient and kind. One of the ladies who was a leader was very kind to me. She sat with me and talked to me; she did not rush me and make me feel like I was a hindrance. She was just present with me.

When we made it to the cave I was feeling nervous-- not sure if I was claustrophobic or if I was going to have a panic attack in the middle of the cave. I was not exactly looking forward to this experience, but it turns out that it was one of my favorite parts of our trip! Our guides names were Paul and Matt.

As we started in to the cave it was difficult to maneuver your body into some of the spaces, but it was do-able, and the majority of the cave was tall enough that you could stand straight up. We reached a big room of the cave where Paul had us stop and sit down. He had some serious analogies for light and darkness. He had all of us turn off our flashlights and just sit in the darkness (and you think you know what dark is, you don't. Not until you are sitting in a cave that is 200 feet under ground!). He was talking to us about how darkness will flee at any sight of light-- bringing it back to how Christ is our light in the dark places of our lives. We turned our lights back on and continued to walk through the cave, when we reached our stopping point, Matt came around and collected all of our flashlights while Paul starts to tell us that they are going to go hide somewhere in the cave and we have to come find them-- using only our bodies and team; we had to be touching the person in front of us at all times.

My group was so focused on listening to the person in front of them and making sure the person behind them was okay, that we were just making our main goal to be light. We expected Matt and Paul to be sitting somewhere with a light on so that we could see them.  We ended up actually passing them because they did not have a light on-- and we had the mindset of "if it takes to making it to the exit, than that is what it takes. We were so focused that we didn't hear their voices (we were a group of females, so a male voice should have stood out to us) or their whistles in attempt to get our attention. It wasn't until someone accidentally bumped into them that we knew we had passed them, in which case we had to turn around and walk back to them. They lit two candles.

You don't realize how much light two candles give off until after about 20 minutes of complete and total darkness. That's when the light and dark analogy really hit home for me and changed my life. I was almost in tears when Paul was expanding on light and darkness. That ANY amount of light will make the darkness run and flee. I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life that I felt as if I was surrounded by complete darkness and was 200 feet under ground and like there was no way out. As if I was throwing my body in every direction just to see if the ground I was going to stand on was solid and actually there, and while doing this acquired more bruises than necessary. But there is ALWAYS a way out. Christ is our way out. His light is always enough for us, even if as only appearing as a single flame from a candle. The darkness will flee with even the smallest glimmer of light-- the smallest glimmer of hope.

Later when we made our way back to camp to eat lunch before moving campsites. While we were all sitting around eating lunch, when a lady from another group (the same one who sat with me during breaks on the way to the cave) came down to ask our wilderness guides a question. When she left everyone was engaged in a conversation except for me-- so when she said goodbye I was the only one to hear her. I acknowledged her goodbye and smiled. She persisted to tell me that she was really glad she got to know me a little bit and hoped to continue to do so back on campus. And then she chose to speak out and say what was laid on her heart by God. She acknowledged my relational strengths and told me I had a beautiful personality; that I was going to be a good RA because of that. I thanked her and smiled as she departed from our campsite. She had brought me close to tears. I really needed to hear her words. I was feeling as if my gifts were invaluable because I didn't feel like there was a lot of room for me to use them on Trek. Almost all of my teammates loved the woods. The woods were their element, which as you can imagine made me feel a little out of place. I started to tell myself that I would be a bad RA because I wasn't good at backpacking and doing the wilderness thing, which is COMPLETELY irrational if you think about it. My lack of wilderness skills has NOTHING to do with my ability to be an RA, but comparison is the thief of joy (Theodore Roosevelt). I am happy to say that this wonder woman of God really spoke to me. She confirmed the work that I felt Christ doing in me. I am starting to realize that my strengths are just as valuable as the next person's and that I was created as I am in His image.

The rest of Trek was good, but also tiring. We had a day where we had a Solo time-- which is six hours alone. This is a time for you to reflect, pray, read your Bible, worship, spend time with God, or just think in general. This was one of my favorite parts of Trek. Being around my staff all of the time was definitely tiring out my introvert really quickly. And while this time was sort of eventful with the critter of the woods (daddy long leggers, beetles, and some other sounds from critters that I couldn't quite see), it was good. I needed time to wind down and regain some energy and I needed the time to process and reflect on everything that had happened so far on our trip.

The last day of Trek we ate breakfast, packed up and were heading back to the place we were meeting the rest of Res Life and the bus that was bringing us back to campus. I was kind of expecting an easy hike back with the team either on the road or on a path. Little did I know what was coming-- we were given a compass and split into groups of three to find our own way back-- not using the path or the road. I was not thrilled for this. I was actually just ready to be back on the bus heading home. But my group was great. I was with two other ladies that I love, and they kept me entertained and motivated (with some Disney songs and encouragement!). (:

When we were on our way back to campus, I don't think I have been too much happier to be heading to a place with running water, toilets, and pillows! But, I am glad that I was able to have the experience of bonding with my staff and brother staff. Those relationships are definitely worth the four days of not showering, squatting in the woods, lack of pillows, and a lot of critters running around at night! I wouldn't trade these relationships for anything.

As I am sitting here thinking about the fact that the freshmen are moving in tomorrow, I am feeling very excited, and a little bit anxious. I cannot wait to see what Lord is going to do this year and how He is going to use me to speak into these girls and my staff, and how He is going to use them in my life!

I will post again soon! Xoxox

Not just as Christians, but as a nation: We need to speak love.

"Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul and healthy for the body," Proverbs 16:24

 

 

 

I think it is time to really think about this. Not just as Christians, but as a nation. There is a lot of hype about the fact that same sex couples are now allowed to get married in any state and how Christians are the judgmental ones in this world.

 

Christians, I just want to put some food for thought out there: you are a Christian, you live according to the Word of God, and try your best to follow those beliefs in obedience. It is important to remember that although homosexuality is classified as a sin in the Bible and we are called to speak Truth, that we are also called to speak Love.

 

It is important that we love someone before we "correct their lifestyle." When we love someone it means to put both of our differences aside and to see them as a person who was created by God and for God that has gotten lost on the way. We all have some things in our past (and present), and that is because every single one of us is broken. Sin is evil and Satan will use anything he can get his hands on to get a hold on our lives. That can be lying, an affair, murder, attraction to the same sex, shame, fear, and judging others as we see fit (just to name a few). We need Jesus just as much, and if not more, than those who are not living the "Christian lifestyle," and quite honestly it is no our job to judge others, we need not to stick our noses in someone else's personal life-- that is between them and God. You do not need to be in the middle.

 

We are also called to speak Truth. But, how can we speak Truth when we neglect to speak out of Love? It is important to remember that we need to earn the right to speak into someone else's life. You cannot just go around pointing out other people's flaws and brokenness; you have to build a SAFE relationship before you can even begin to think about speaking into their lives.

 

Non-Christians (and also Christians), you may feel jaded and hurt by some comments said by a "so-called-Christian," and I am very sorry that you have been hurt in such a deep way. You have every right to feel that pain and to process it; know that we are not perfect either, and we will make mistakes and run our mouths before we examine our hearts. We are people, just like you are.

 

I am sad to see "Christians" react in such an outspoken and judgmental way. That is not what the Bible says we are to be like, and we also have gotten life this way. We are also broken and sinners.

 

But it is important to remember that we are hardwired for connection.

 

We must remember that we are built for connection. We are built for compassion. And when we live in shame, or shaming others that we are setting ourselves up for disconnection.  (for more information on this, check out Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly) We need to speak love.

 

Love is standing bedside someone and being with them through that hard things, and practicing empathy when it is easier to practice yelling at another. It is being beside someone, despite your differences and lending a helping hand, or encouraging word when they need it. It is humbling yourself to see the brokenness in another person (or group) and holding your tongue from insults and judgment.

 

Regardless of what you believe, what gender you are, what your political party you are a part of, what your sexual orientation is, or any other defining factor you are human. We need to feel connected to other people, and we need to feel loved.

 

Summer: tanlines?

Hi friends!

If you know me in the slightest, or can see my picture you know that I have very fair/ pale skin-- I am Irish and German-- which means that I burn. A lot. And I hardly get anything to show for it.

I am going to the beach in July, and my mom (who is not that fair) told me to get a base tan before we go. She was just trying to help me so that I did not burn as bad, and in her mind, this would help. But really it doesn't.

I got burnt 4 times in May alone this year-- none of those burns were "good tan lines," or intentional. I realized that although I have gotten burnt and I did not peal, I was still not getting "tan," I got some color, but to anyone else I just looked too pale.

I swear I am tan. Really I am. (this was taken this year, 2015)

If any of you are fair-skinned you know what sunburn feels like. 15 minutes can make you as red as an apple, and you basically have two different states-- lobster or ghost. And you are most likely used to the pain of sunburn by this time in your life.

I used to lay out with no protection to try and get a tan, but I only burned. I would then hold out and hope that my burn would turn into a tan. And out of the 20 years I have been alive, there was only one summer where I was really tan.

This is my only "real tan" from 2010.

 

 

Now compare it to the picture taken this year (see above). There is a BIG difference. And sure, I like the 2010 picture better, and I wish my complexion could be that dark all the time, or at least every summer, but it has happened once, and I am sure that it will never happen again. Like I said, I am Irish and German.

 

 

We all know that the sun is bad for our skin and can lead to skin cancer. It is proven-- in many, many, many studies. But even so, when summer rolls around, society tells us that we should be tan. And that pale is bad. If you are too pale you just do not fit in. Everyone comments on that, "Wow, you are SO pale!" or "Hah! I am tanner than you. I am never tanner than anyone!" or "You are so pale! Why don't you lay out for a while, or go to a tanning bed? It will definitely help!"

 

This summer I have really been thinking, I put sunblock on all of my tattoos so the ink won't fade-- if the sun can fade the color of tattoos, what is it REALLY doing to my skin? What is so bad about pale? So bad about not getting skin cancer? Not having aging spots when I am 20? What is so bad about that?

 

Sure, I don't "fit in" with society, and the pale comments will never really end, but I have come to peace with my paleness. I have fair skin. I will not tan. I will burn. Either way, I am damaging my skin. I am pale. And if nothing else, I will not damage my skin as much, and on the bright side (literally), my legs almost glow in the dark, so in the summer cars will see them before they hit me. They practically glow in the dark! (:

A voice for children of divorce

I am a child of divorce. Multiplied by two.

When I was 6 years old my mom and my dad split-- it was not an easy divorce; it was loud and messy. I spent years listening to each parent throw a spear in the others direction hoping to hit, but mostly only missing in frustration. That is when I was pulled into the middle. I grew up feeling like I was more of a game piece in their war of divorce that did not end until I turned 18 in May 2013. And even then, it was not until I laid boundaries down that it slowed to a quiet hiss under the surface that we mostly ignore today.

I was free. That's what I tried to believe anyway. But I knew that my dad and step mom were separated and it was quickly going downhill. I went to college in the Fall and tried to leave all of that behind me. On occasion, I would get a text or a phone call from my step mom, my dad, or my gram telling me about all of the drama that was going on. October of 2013 my dad and step mom's divorce was final. I was not sure what this was going to bring, but there was one thing that I knew-- I would not play the middle man this time around. Now, I thought, I am finally free.

And it was true, at least physically. I did not get caught up in the middle of all of the drama. I was not relaying messages to either of them. I was off doing my thing at school. That was until I felt the nagging emotions eating away at me. I tried to push them back down and bury the pain that came along with it.

I kept it to myself for as long as I could, but out it came like emotions always do. I was spiraling fast.

I started to realize that I had control issues, commitment issues, abandonment issues. and trust issues. I learned that these were a product of both divorces. I came to this conclusion when I read this post from Thought Catalog (click here to read it-- it is a great read about how children of divorce feel and how that plays out in everyday life. I highly recommend it). That post is one that accurately describes what it is like to be a child of divorced parents-- it talks about the thing that everyone-- including ourselves-- would just like to push under the rug and pretend that they do not exist.

There is many different ways that a divorce can effect a child. Some slip into depression and alcohol and drugs, while others search for love using their bodies as bait. And then there are those like myself.

I do not do drugs. I do not party. I am a virgin. But I am scared as hell to commit. To love. To be vulnerable. There are wounds that cut deeper than you can imagine-- scars in my past that play out in every day life for me. I am not depressed, but I have a natural bent towards those sad and dark and twisty parts of life and myself.

I have many broken pieces from these divorces, but I am not going to sit here and tell you all about them. I am here to be a voice.

I am a voice for the children of divorce.

Parents (or "Mom and Dad" as we refer to you as you are no longer a unit),

 

Know that divorce hurts. Not only you, but us (the children, no matter how old) as well. We are not immune to what is around us, yes we are resilient, but it hurts. And as much as you want to think that saying something about our other parent is not harmful, it is. As much as you want to use us to get back at the other parent, don't. Please, we are not a game piece for your petty games-- we are your children.

 

When we seem sad, ask us what is wrong. And when you find someone else to be with, take us aside and talk to us. Give us time to adjust; understand that we are not trying to make your life hard by being disruptive, we are just trying to adjust. If we are very young, we are probably still trying to figure out why Mommy and Daddy do not live together let alone why there is another man/ woman in our new house (and if we switch houses between you two, we are still trying to figure out what is home and what that looks like now).

 

Remind us that the divorce is not our fault and that you still love us-- remind us that the other parent still loves us too. Remind us of our self worth. Give us time to process and cry. And take time to spend time with just us.

 

Show us patience. We are trying to adjust too.

 

Do not tell us to hide our emotions, and PLEASE do not shame us for them. Let us take time to grieve our broken family, and to process how our lives have been turned upside down.

 

But most importantly, love us. Tell us that we are worthy of love.

 

Sincerely,

Your child[ren].

TOGETHER not BESIDE.

Hi friends,
Sometimes I just have to take a step back and wonder what has happened to this world. Things have changed, and not in a good way. (If you go to the same college as me, hang in there-- this is going to sound a lot like a humanities course-- but you will be able to understand it! And there is a valid point behind it all; as much as I hate humanities like the rest of you, there is some truth behind those readings that leave me more confused than if I wouldn't have read it at all).

What happened to society? Was it Nokia that started it all? Or was it manageable until Apple made their pretty little heads known?

We have went from spending time with others to making it a point to ignore others. We hide behind our computer screens or our smart phones-- constantly connected, but never in relationship.

When did we get to this point? How did we get to this point?

I'm not saying that I am different from the majority-- I mean even now I am sitting in a room with other people, laptop open, both headphones in, and Spotify playing. I am not immune to this fad of autonomy and individualism, but I do try to still take time to foster relationships.

We, as humans, were made for living in relationship with others. We are supposed to do life TOGETHER, not BESIDE each other. We are "talking" to everyone except for the people we are physically with. The majority of those in our society cannot go more than 10 minutes without checking their phone, and less than 5 without it. We are addicted to technology and it has split us in more ways than just having real conversations-- you are either an Apple fan or you are team android and people usually know where you stand because it can lead to arguments.

We are so far gone that we argue over cell phone and laptop brands.

When we do not answer someone's text or Facebook message within a few minutes they either get angry or start to panic. And now you know when someone read or saw your message via Facebook or your iMessage.

While I am at college, I love to write letters! I love to send others some encouragement, it is one of the things that makes me that happiest. But I also like to receive mail. It used to be that you sent a letter and someone took time out of their day to reply. But in today's time I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten a text or Facebook message saying thank you instead of a return letter. I don't know it could just be the old soul in me, but I enjoy sending letter back and forth. It gives the words a little bit more excitement.

Or it used to be that when you had a conversation with someone you were only with them. Now you are having a conversation with them and the 6 people they are messaging. How many times have you tried to have quality time with a friend and they are looking at their phone more than they are looking at you-- or you are talking to them and they can barely look up to answer you. I know for me it discourages me a little bit. I feel like i should just stop having that conversation because they clearly have something/ someone better to do/ talk to... This is something that I try my hardest not to do. If I am having quality time with someone, I will often lay my phone on the table with the screen facing up so that I can see it in case of an emergency, but rarely do I ever touch it. I enjoy to give the person I am with all of the attention. Giving them eye contact so that they know that I am listening.

I want to challenge you. The next time you are having a conversation with someone, try not to be staring at your phone-- I can almost guarantee that the person texting you will still be there when you are done, and that your conversation with the person you are WITH will be better too.

Try to take time to be in relationship WITH others and less time in front of a screen of some sort. We are losing those deep relationships that we so desperately need.

You may be looking for a healing, but He is going to give you a resurrection.

Hi loves!
Last night I had a long life chat with a wonderful friend. She and I have become really good friends this semester, and I cannot thank God enough for bringing her into my life.

Our life chat was pretty solid. It wasn't always easy things to talk about, but it is important to talk about the hard things. One of the things that we talked about is seeing yourself how God sees you. This is something that is incredibly hard to do, and I am sure that 99% of all people have a hard time believing this on some level. Some scars go deeper than others, and some people are better at taking things to heart and believing them.

Something that I learned the Student Support Network group that I am in is that everyone has a number. We all have a certain number of times that we need to hear something to make it click or for us to believe it. It can be 3 times, 30 times, or 30,000 times that you need to hear something. For myself the number is definitely on the higher side, but is important to hear something when it is said, and assess if you should strive to believe it, or release the negativity and understand that is a lie from the enemy.

I have a tendency to be incredibly hard on myself and show just about zero mercy and grace to myself. I minimize my problems to others, and I will beat myself up about almost everything. I can have the same exact thing happen to me as someone else and process it, and deal with it in the same exact way. This reaction will have been completely valid for the other person, but it is not okay for myself.

I am a work in progress to change this about myself, and I have come a far way since the past.

If my life chat last night was not enough, the message in church touched on the heart of the issue. We read John 11:1-44 which is the story of Lazarus.

If you all don't know it, here is a brief summary of what happens, there is a friend of Jesus named Lazarus. Jesus, Lazarus, and his sisters Mary and Martha are all really chill buds. Someone comes to tell Jesus that Lazarus is sick and that he needs a healing from Jesus because he is dying. Jesus says okay, but he continues to do what he was doing, he doesn't take any quick actions despite the urgency of what the others are saying (but don't worry guys, Jesus knows what He is doing!). So in a couple days Jesus goes to where Lazarus is resting in peace. Martha, Lazarus' sister, comes to meet Jesus and tells him that is he was here earlier, Lazarus wouldn't be dead, he has been dead for 4 days (which is one day too late for the peoples to have any hope that he can come back to life, see back then they believed that after a person died, that there was still a chance that they could come back to life if it was in 3 days and they would try everything they knew to make that happen), but Martha says that she knows that Jesus is still good and that she will get to see her brother again in heaven. Jesus says that her brother will rise from the dead, not in the end times, but now.After this, Mary comes to Jesus and just asks why he didn't come and save her brother. Mary can be seen as tired and worn and hurt. Jesus knows that is all going to be okay, like super soon, but despite that he knows that it is all going to work out, he takes time to recognize his friends pain and sorrow and Jesus wept. And the story goes on to show 4 days isn't too late for Jesus to resuscitate his friend Lazarus, that no time is too late for Jesus.

The pastor tied this into our lives to tell us that no matter how far gone we feel that we are that we are not too far gone for Jesus to heal us. That is not too late for Jesus-- it's not too late, but there is the reality of not yet.

The not yet refers to the part of the story where Jesus waits to go to help Lazarus. There are not yet's in our lives every single day. You want to be completely healed from something right now in this very instance and not have to deal with it later? Hmm, that sounds something a lot like the fact that everyone wanted Jesus to come now because if he didn't that it would be too late for Lazarus.

No matter how far gone you feel like you are in something-- a particular sin, in being mean to yourself, in your brokenness-- it is not too late for Jesus. He can take you and heal you. He loves you because you are you and nothing else. He doesn't love you because of that A+ you got on your Calc exam or for the good deed that you did today or even your ability to refrain from that sin you struggle with the most. He loves you because you are you. You are His child. His little girl. His beloved son. He created you to be you. He created you in His image (This is not to say that we do not need to repent of our sins, but to say that He loves you despite of them).

So, where ever you are, you are not too far for Jesus. He can intervene, and He will. Just take that first step towards Him. There is hope for you. There is hope for your situation. There is hope for my situation.

And remember that there are not yet's. You may be looking for a healing, but He is going to give you a resurrection.

My trip to New Orleans: blessed and honored.

Hi friends!

As some of you know, I recently went on a missions trip to New Orleans over my spring break. My team and I have been so blessed to have the opportunity to help out the community in Hollygrove, LA, and to hear the stories of those who live there. Those stories have shaped and grown me in so many ways and we were only in NOLA for four days!

While we were there we worked alongside Trinity Christian Community (TCC). We were able to do an array of things while we were there. We did some yard work, helped clean out a house that had been infested with rats and was broken into twice, go on a prayer walk in Hollygrove to hear some history of the town and be able to pray over not only the town, but those that live there as well, worked alongside New Orleans Missions to prepare food packs, and hand them out to members of the community who were in need, we were able to tutor some of the kids at TCC's after-school program, we got to hear the stories of many people who live in Hollygrove, and we worked with Arc alongside adults with disabilities to sort recycled Mardi Gras beads.

We were also able to go out and explore the city in the evenings. We went to the French Quarter, the Lower Ninth Ward, the Garden District, and on a swamp tour.

We went to church in Alabama the Sunday after we left PA-- I really enjoyed Alabama! I want to live there someday. My heart felt like it was at home when I was there. I had a sense of peace and home.

On our way to and from NOLA we stayed at Covenant College to break up the driving time a little bit. When we left NOLA to head back to Covenant, our leaders surprised us with a trip to Pensacola Beach, FL. It was wonderful despite the rain that we hit!

I have been incredibly blessed to go on this missions trip. I have learned so much about myself, and the people of Hollygrove. I was able to bond with my team, and share some laughs not only with them, but also with the people of NOLA and those employed at TCC. It was an amazing opportunity, and I cannot thank God enough to have been able to participate in it.

How can it be that I am free?

Hi friends,
I have been thinking a lot about what I should write about next, and I think that I figured it out. Most of you probably know that I identify more with the charismatic, Pentecostal/ Non-denominational faith. I just had a conversation with a friend about how a lot of different denominations focus on the rigidity of the Christian faith, and that can leave many people feeling kind of empty and more to desire.

For instance, they are going to focus on the fact that God is wrathful and just (which He VERY MUCH is), but they neglect to focus on the love of Christ at times. My church past is one that very much focuses on the fact that our God is a loving God and that He wants good things for your life. We acknowledge that yes, we are sinners, and we need to repent in order to be saved, but we also recognize that once we repent we are made new and the old has passed away (2 Corinthians 5:17). We are made new creatures in Him, and it is through Him that we are loved and forgiven and made as white as snow.

My God is a just God, yes, but He is also a loving and merciful and grace-giving God. I am His daughter, and He is my Father in Heaven. There is nothing that I could do or say to change that. He loves me, because I am made in His image, not because of what I have done [or haven't]. He feels my hurt and my pain. He understands it. I am washed clean from all of my inequities as soon as I repent and ask for forgiveness, and He will never ever ever say "no" or "not this time." He is always waiting for me with open arms. If you come near to God, He will come near to you (James 4:8).

I also had a conversation the same night with a different friend about the focus of the different aspects of the Trinity. All there parts of the Trinity are important, but a lot of the time there will be a large focus on the Father and Son aspect, and not so much on the Holy Spirit aspect. I am an advocate of acknowledging the Holy Spirit on personal level. The Holy Spirit is one of the most intimate aspects of the Trinity. That is how we are able to communicate to the Father. It is within us, and if we allow it to, it will guide us. God will guide us. He will use the Holy Spirit to lead us.

One of my favorite things is a really really good, Holy Spirit filled worships time. Hand-raising, Spirit moving, Spirit speaking, prayerfully connected worship. Spontaneously wonderful worship (coming from someone who doesn't like spontaneity). I love when I can feel the Holy Spirit moving in a place.

All in all, I just want you to know that you are forgiven, Your sin is not the "unforgivable" sin. There isn't one. I want you know that you are made new in Christ, and that He loves you more than you could ever know. More than you can even imagine. You were made in His image, and that alone is something that we cannot ever comprehend fully. You look like you for a reason. Your natural bent towards things was instilled in you for a reason.

God desires a personal relationship with you. He wants to give you all that He has planned for your life. He wants you to live in a way that you are continually working towards knowing Him and His word more and more. He wants you to search out His desires for your life. He wants to lead you in the way that you should go.

He loves you and desires relationship with you.

One size fits all... for socks, maybe.

Hi loves,

If you know anything about me, you know that I hate winter. So, it is only a natural thing for me to be thinking about how many days there is until I will be at the beach with sand between my toes, the warm salty breeze hitting my skin, and salt water soaking into me (and probably getting sun burnt despite my efforts to stay protected. But at this moment I don't think that I would mind some sunburn). I have 162 days until I am at the beach. (July, please come faster!)

So back to the point here, I am not here to complain about how much I hate winter (if you listen closely in the next 24 hours I will probably say that I am cold at least once). I am here to discuss a much deeper topic: Americanized beauty, what I mean by this is how America determines what is considered attractive, pretty, "hot," beautiful, sexy, etc.

I was looking for a swimsuit cover for the boardwalk while I am at the beach, and what I was finding on Amazon were pieces that we hardly covering up anything, items that we transparent, and 'one size fits all' pieces. Honestly, why even buy a cover-up if it is see through or so tiny that your swimsuit is bigger? And one size fits all? PUH-LEEZE! Nothing can fit a size small and size large woman the same way. Nothing. (Okay, maybe socks...)

When you think of the ideal American woman, what comes to mind? 

Blonde? Blue eyes? Size 2? Tall? Big boobs? Big butt? Small waist? Attentive mother, housekeeper, and successful career woman? How about a human Barbie doll?

What is [are] the thing[s] that you would change about your appearance if you were given the choice?

I am sure that your list stretches just as long as mine-- my height, my shoe size, bra size, eye color, what my nose looks like, weight, the shape of my toenails, my thighs, my hair... I could keep on going, but I am sure that you want to find out where I am going with this, and I don't want to think about all the things I wish I could change!

America seems to have the idea that women have to fit inside a certain mold to be considered beautiful or desired. The problem with that is that there is really only one mold, and there isn't any room for deviance in that. The next problem with this? That mold can only be filled by the photo-shop program on a computer. But is being Barbie-like even possible?

Now I don't know about you, but I don't want those disproportionate dimensions, not to mention the feet that are always stuck in the heel position.

Women are constantly comparing themselves to what they see in the media, and with other women. When I was younger, I desperately wanted blue eyes because my mom had blue eyes and every one loved them. She always got compliments on how pretty her eyes were (she still does). I wanted to have the same color eyes as her so that I too would get those compliments. I was always thinking about ways to change my eye color, and I was constantly comparing myself to blue eyes. And then my little sister was born, and she gets the blue eyes. I wondered what was wrong with me. Why my green (kind of mixed with grey) eyes were seen as less by myself and society. I kept comparing, and even considered buying colored contacts. It wasn't until I started to embrace my eye color that people started complimenting me. I learned that it wasn't necessarily the color of my moms eyes that got the compliments, but the confidence in them. Now I love my eyes, they show what I am feeling, and they possess a mysteriousness about them being a mix of green and grey;I thrive on the question of, "what color are your eyes exactly?" I realized that my eye color was not less than my mom and sister with blue eyes, but just different. A uniqueness that set me apart. (:

The point is that we are always so busy comparing ourselves with others that we neglect our own uniqueness that sets us apart from others. What makes us fully ourselves and not just like our neighbor.

Now let me ask you another question, what is [are] your favorite part[s] about your appearance?

That question isn't as easy to answer as the previous, is it?

It may not be easy to answer, but it is important to answer. You should feel comfortable in your own skin-- you shouldn't have to feel insecure about how you are sitting and how it makes part of you look.

You are beautiful. 

Read that line again, you are beautiful! You may not look like your best friend, or the co-worker that you envy. But, you look like you. And that makes you beautiful beyond compare. You are worth so much more than what you weigh, or what color eyes you have. You are not defined by the number on a scale-- you have fat, you are not fat. You have a fingernail, but you are not a fingernail. You are more than the number on the top of your math test. You are worth so much more than you can imagine. You were created in the image of God and He NEVER makes mistakes. You were made to be and look like only you.

Sending my love for the week!<3

Restore your focus of praise.

Today I read an article about the '10 worship songs we should stop singing.' It was written with a very subjective point of view. The author made points about songs like, "In the Secret" where there is no mention of who is being sung to. In the lyrics they use "You" referring to Christ, but it is implied in the context of the song. I happen to really enjoy this song and I love singing it in church.

While the point that the author makes is true, it is also faulty. If one is singing this [worship] song, they usually have the background context about who they are singing to. When you have the implied knowledge of who "You" is it makes for a wonderful song!

"I want to know You, I want to see Your face, I want to know You more"

And any Christian who is walking their path with Christ will agree that that is the heart of every Christian out there. We should always be seeking to know more of Christ, and we should never be satisfied with our current level of relationship with Christ.

My goal of this post is not to bash the author who wrote about these songs, but to bring into the light the idea that we shouldn't try to tell others how to worship and with what songs they choose from the millions sung on Christian radio and in churches. We should be focusing on our own relationship with the Lord. We can choose what ways we wish to worship Christ in our way, but if another Christian has an experience with God while singing "Lord I Lift Your Name On High" we need not to criticize them. We should redirect our attention to the One who is deserving of not only our attention, but also all of our praise.

In conclusion, what I want to get across is the fact that we should not try and regulate what praise songs are sung to worship God. We should focus on our own relationship with Him and the way that we worship. We should be so engulfed in Christ and His presence we cannot focus on trivial things while in that time.